Role Reversal

In the twists and turns of life, there come those times where the caregiver becomes the care receiver.  This week has been a bit of a lesson in this for me.  It isn't as though I haven't known that life lesson, it's just that it has been so sweetly and poignantly clear in the last few days.  In the midst of my sorrow, it is another point in gratitude.

Since Monday, The Grommet has come home for lunch every day.  He always has some "reason" for doing so.  Some small "errand" he's running for his boss.  But I can read between the lines...he's been checking on me.  On Tuesday, I never got out of my jammies.  I don't think I even brushed my hair or my teeth.  Pretty pathetic, I know, but I kinda felt entitled.  When Bry got home and saw me he came over and rubbed my shoulders.

     "Hey, why don't you go to the beach?" 

That made me smile because that is truly our mantra; his and mine.  I shrugged my shoulders, thanked him, and declined.  I just didn't have the energy. 

     "You gotta get outta here, Mommy.  This isn't good for you."

I told him I knew, but I honestly couldn't pull myself together today.  He gave me one last, gentle admonishment about grief and how I can't let it take over my life.  I smiled at him because I knew where his heart was.  As I've mentioned, grieving is hard enough when you're the one in mourning.  But it's ten times harder watching people you love grieve and feeling helpless.  If you could take the pain for someone you love, you would.  The universe knows this young man has had more than his fair share.

     "Bry, I know you are more acquainted with grief than a lot of people.  So please understand when I tell you that I feel like I deserve to grieve today.  It's only been a day.  I promise, it'll be okay.  But for now, I need to work out my sadness.  I love you and I know you care about me and are worried.  I'll be okay."

He nodded.  "Okay, but if you need me, I'm five minutes away."  And off he went.

Yesterday, The Grommet and Charlie knew that I had cancelled my "date" with my friend Zack, who was kind enough to ask me to accompany him to a special premiere event screening of a movie he had worked on.  His partner was working and couldn't attend, and when he asked me last week, he said that he just thought I could use something fun and happy to do.  He was right.  At the time I was overjoyed.  In my heart, I thought that Ellie was doing so well, and I had my head convinced that she would be with us at least another month or so.  Maybe longer.  Interestingly, I had no idea when I talked to Zack on Monday to tell him about Ellie and how I didn't think I could pull myself together for the premiere and how I hoped he could find a new "date" for the evening, that I'd also be without transportation.  Caris was having car trouble, so we did some family car-swapping, which left me without my car since Tuesday.  I would have had no way to get to Hollywood.  When it rains it pours.

When Bry came home at lunch, he TOLD me that we were changing our regular Thursday Pub Night to Wednesday instead.  "You have to get out of this house.  We're going."  I laughed, but did not argue.  He was determined.  We did have a nice dinner together as a family.  It isn't often that the four of us who live under the same roof are able to do that, schedules being what they are, but for some reason, the stars aligned.  It did my heart especially good to see Caris happy and laughing.  Ellie's passing has been immeasurably hard on her too.  Bryson's humor has helped there.  He makes her laugh like no one else can.

They say that one day the child becomes the parent.  They also say that with grief comes gratitude.  "They" sure are wise.  "They" must have had some pretty loving people in their world.  I know I do.