You Want Me To Do WHAT?

The last day the store was open, Wednesday, was just a lousy day. Not that there weren't terrific moments in it; there were. It was just a bad day in the sense that it was the last day. However, there were some wonderful highlights thanks to wonderful friends:

* Mel Kernahan, a longtime customer, friend, and noted anthropologist, stopped by and gave me an autographed copy of her book; "White Savages in the South Pacific", a first-hand account of her days in Tahiti and the Cook Islands and the changes that took place in the 50's, 60's, and early 70's. I was, needless to say, touched by her kind gesture.

* Mark and Lisa, also longtime friends of House of Tiki, stopped by with ice cream and lots of hugs.

* Carol brought cookies. And also hugs.

* Sondra came by, literally at the drop of a hat, to help when things got busy and a little crazy.

* Lance showed up to offer moral support in the form of Mai Tais. Yes, he brought me Mai Tais. And yes, I drank them during store hours. On duty. Because as he so aptly put it; "Who's gonna fire you?"

It was a long, hard day. But I do have to say, as emotional as it was, it couldn't have been a more fitting so-long for House of Tiki. All day, Wes had been calling and texting from Hap's (his mom) place in Washington. I was sending updates as I could, but it was very busy. So he kept making me promise that I would call when I had a break because it was "URGENT" that he talk to me. I said I would, but I never got that chance. Until AFTER the doors had finally closed at 5:30.

I turned off the "OPEN" sign for the last time and let the bamboo window blinds down while Lance helped me take down the closing banner and bring the last of the tikis in. Once I said goodbye to Lance and got a farewell hug, I went back inside and just sat down behind the counter for a minute. I looked around the nearly empty store, gave a quick sigh, wiped away a tear or two, then I picked up the phone to call Wes. When he answered, I apologized for not being able to get back to him until now. Then he said:

"Are you sitting down?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because I need you to do something."

"Okay. What?

"There's a ticket waiting for you at the airport. I want you to get on a plane and come up here to Hap's."

"Um...You want me to do WHAT?"

"I think you need to come up here. Call Charlie, and talk to him. Hap and I want you to come up here. We need to talk and you need to get away now that the shop is closed. Just do it."

:::laughing::: "You're crazy. You're both crazy."

"I know. Can you come? Will you call Charlie and then call me back? Your ticket is on hold. All I need is the word from you, but I need it soon."

"Well, yeah I guess. I'll call Charlie."

"Okay, call me back as soon as you can."

I sat there, in the quiet store, and shook my head. Crazy guy. Flying by the seat of his pants. Gets an idea in his head and WHOOSH! He's off. Is this insane? Yeah. But he's been saying for years now that Charlie and I need to get up to Hap's. That it's beautiful, Hap would love us to come and he would love to show us around. But you know how that goes. We've always talked about going places together with our families; Hawaii, Mexico, Washington. The problem is that one of us would ALWAYS have to be at the store. If one of us was gone, someone had to man the ship. Now, what was to stop this fast-moving freight train? I DID have things I wanted to talk with him about with regard to the business, and he DID allude to us having things to talk about. It would be a business trip.

I called Charlie and told him about Wes and Hap's crazy idea. He did the usual Charlie thing, laughed, and said.."Well Honey, did you REALLY need to call me? It's not like you're gonna be missing work! Call Wes back and tell him you'll be on the plane." And so, that's what happened.

I went home, threw crap in a carry-on, and before I knew it, I was on a plane to Seattle. Wes and Balik (Hap's incredible Alaskan Malamute) drove up to the airport curb and picked me up. Soon, we were on a mission to find crab for dinner at Pike's Market. Then, with arms full of artisan bread, fresh flowers, crab, salmon sandwiches, and some fruit, and of course stopping periodically to answer people's questions about Balik and letting him get the "rock star treatment" from passers-by, we were on the road to Anacordes, an hour and a half away. I was still shaking my head. Was I really here?

I thought of my sister Wanda, and my brother Kimo, and wished I had the time and opportunity to stop and visit them. It was a bit ironic that here, my niece Joy was somewhere in this state, about to give birth, and I was THIS close! I just didn't even know a few hours before that I was going to be here, so I never grabbed my address book. It was crazy. Simply crazy. But here I was, in Washington.

It was activity from minute one. Wes was giving me the quick tour of the city, and on the way out of the city, I joked with him about the casinos we passed and how Charlie, Loke, and Phil would love to stop at those. Then, we talked about the events of closing the store and all that transpired in such a short time. Soon, we were pulling in to Hap's driveway and receiving a warm welcome.

We walked, we hiked (YES! I hiked! Me..I hiked!), we met with friends, we ate incredible food, we saw incredible things, we rode ferries, we shared stories and we laughed. Oh, did we laugh. I forgot all about the tears and the heartache of closing the store. For weeks, sleep had eluded me. But here, I slept soundly, bundled in comfort with a belly full of wonderful seafood. Being away from everything was the perfect prescription. Just what the doctor ordered. The only thing missing was Charlie. But he was part of every conversation and everywhere we went, Wes or I would say.."Charlie would love this." Yes, we would return together. Tomorrow couldn't be too soon.

Wes and I talked, worked some things through and came to an agreed resolve. It was time to let go and move on. I didn't hurt so much anymore and I wasn't scared of what might be in the future. I had been thinking with an emotional heart and not a practical head. I was grateful to Wes and I honestly couldn't adore Hap more. She's an amazing woman. It went by in the blink of an eye, and then it was time to go back to reality. A reality that's not so frightening anymore. No matter what unfolds in the future, everything will be okay.

The Seattle Prescription

The Family We Choose

First I want to say that you guys are awesome. I knew I could count on my little blog family for encouragement and moral support. Since yesterday, things have been moving at the speed of light. Well, "things" as in my thought processes. That, and the very kind offer of help from some really unexpected places have my world spinning. It didn't occur to me until well into the day yesterday that perhaps my post might have come off as a solicitation for financial help. I was definitely asking for help. But I didn't want all y'all (that was for Boogie) to think that I was begging for money. I know you didn't, but I needed to clarify if only for my own peace of mind.

Trust is not something that comes easily for me. It used to. I was a very trusting soul once upon a time. But that got broken and abused so many times, that now, in my "old age", I find I'm less and less apt to give it so freely. I have people in my 3D world who have my complete trust and I hold them very close to me. Charlie, my sister Loke, Phil, Ricky, Trent, my friend Nancy, Wes, and the kidlings. However, outside of that "circle of trust" you don't get second chances to regain it if you lose it. AND, if you hurt or abuse the trust of someone I love, well, let's just say I'm good at smiling nice.

Then there's you...my little virtual 'ohana. I look to this blog family as a hammock of emotional strength in tough times. You've ALWAYS been there for me all these years. You've watched me AND my kids grow up. You love me for all my faults and faubles. You celebrate my joys and you cry at my hurts. You laugh in all the right places. When I've had the most f'ed up day, you let me run to you and your arms are wide open. You listen and you don't judge me. You have returned that trust by allowing me into YOUR worlds. I don't take that lightly. So many of us have not yet had the privilege of actually meeting face to face (do you how many people in my 3D world are SHOCKED by this?), and yet over and over again, I see that this little family is the very best of what family should be. Best of all; you don't offer me advice unless I ask for it. Yesterday, I asked for it and you came through. In more ways than one.

So, instead of using the limited commenter, I decided to respond to you here.

Scott: Your "for what it's worth" means a lot to me. While I'm not in a position to buy Wes' inventory outright, I have a consignment plan that might work if he's agreeable. I have built an Ebay store, which is also connected to our website, and yes, it's helped tremendously over the last year. I'm hoping to improve on both if I move forward. Ebay has changed their fee structure this month and I'm not very happy with it. So I'm looking into alternatives with Yahoo Commerce, Etsy, or Silkfair.

Lee: Hey Kiddo! Nice to "see" you outside of FB and back in the Blogdom. If only for a quick visit. Now see what I mean? I asked for the family to gather, and you came. That says it all right there. Re: SCORE. Yes, I've checked with them and also with SBA sponsored non-profs that target minorities and women that want to start small businesses. Specifically, the Office of Hawaiian Affairs, and KIVA. Great minds think alike, huh?

Jess & Marc: What can I possibly say? Jess, your call today...well you know. I love you both so much. If ever actions speak louder than words, then you two are the Poster Children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Just hearing your voice gave me such a sense of peace. Bokey; I will definitely be calling you for marketing strategies. :)

Chuck: Eh Brah! I'm no dummy...I have NO kala, which means I will SO need you on my advertising team! I was also thinking that if all goes well, next year, a buying trip to Hawai'i will be a write-off since so many of our vendors are there. It will be nice to have an 'ohana base in Kona.

Ricky: You scare me! :::laughing::: I just saw a glimpse of the pre-retirement Rick and I'm shaking in my boots (well ok, my bare feet). How can anyone not listen to that? Don't you worry Mister. I'll put you to work alright. As I told Trent; should this come to pass, you guys will be asking why you offered to help. The pay's not great, but I promise to feed you. Or I'll make my sister feed you. She's better at that.

Bonnie: IMUA! I'm paddling as fast as I can, Girl. I'm like a duck. Above the surface, it's all calm. But under the water, my little feet at going like crazy!

Jeffrey: I hope to move to Alpha position. It's where Sisko would begin. Picard would definitely want to know what's "out there". As for your favorite Captain, I find her wise indeed. "I've learned to walk the line between hope and caution. We've had other opportunities that didn't work out. But I will admit, I'm leaning toward hope this time."

Greg: Well, they say timing is everything! And as you've pointed out, I have a great support system. I hope the "they" and the "timing" in that saying are in sync for me. :)

Jim Dow: I don't even know what to say. But I hope that hug spoke for me today. And I hope you know that I've come to find a great deal of comfort in seeing your face in every place that H.O.T. has called home. More than anything, I hope I get an opportunity to make you proud.



My "family" rocks.

What to do...What to do?

Yesterday I called my sister. I'd had a dream, or a thought, or something. All I know is I needed to run it by her. The last time I had a decent night's sleep was at her house two weekends ago, and that was drug-induced. I haven't slept well in a month or two. My system is all messed up. For the first time in my life, I'm not stress-eating. As a matter of fact, I find that I'm NOT eating because when I do eat, my stomach gets sick. I'm honestly a mess.

Ever since Wes left last week to go to Washington to check on his mother, I walk around the shop, and in between customers, I cry. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I keep wondering if there's a way to save my "baby". I know House of Tiki doesn't belong to me. But I feel like for the last five years, I've treated it as my own. I've poured so much of me into helping Wes run this little place. Each time someone walks in the door to tell us how sorry they are that we're closing, they say.."I don't know where I'll get my 'fix' of Aloha now. There's nothing else like House of Tiki around here." It's true. There IS nothing like it around here.

When I came to House of Tiki, I was a broken person. I'd just left a very nice "career" position as a payroll accountant in the corporate offices of a very well-known national restaurant chain. I thought I'd be there until I retired. It didn't work out that way though because people lied and other people believed those lies. Apparantly, the lies had been flowing around for quite some time before I knew it, and I found out only during my yearly evaluation. When I told my supervisor that those were lies, she didn't believe me, put me on suspension and asked me to sign the eval. I refused and resigned. I left that day. For the next two months, I curled up into a ball and cried.

A year later, I walked into this little island-style store where I bought my Christmas cards every year, to try to sell them my sister's candied pecans. I walked out with a job offer to do the books part-time, and a new friend in the owner; Wes. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel like a worthwhile human again. That grew, over these years into practically running the show. Of course, Wes was still the Big Kahuna. House of Tiki was his, he wrote the checks, and he made the decisions. But he put a lot of trust in me, and there weren't a whole lot of decisions he made with regard to the store without asking for my input. Over the last few years, with other projects in the works, he began stepping further and further back. After his little venture into the adjoining coffeeshop, Hot Lava Java closed, his spirit took a beating and his heart just wasn't in it anymore. IT was completely understandable. But it was in my heart to stay with him. As long as he was willing to hold on, I would hold on with him. I moved with him when he moved the shop. I moved with him again when he moved the shop. We kept trying, but I could see that his joy and his interests were revolving less and less around House of Tiki. Again, understandable.

The truth is, I WANTED to offer to take over the business. I had ideas. I definitely had ideas. But I had no capital to make that happen. Charlie and I were/are in no position to offer to buy the business from Wes. So now, here we are, within a month's time, he decides to close for good. Whatever doesn't sell by the 30th, goes into storage or on Craig's List. Of course, I feel a sense of loss, but I will do whatever he wants to do. That's what family does.

Back to my dream. I dreamt I took over. That I approached Wes with a plan. Everything is already in place. It's all there. If I let him shut it down and put everything in storage, well then, it would kinda be over. But this way, stuff's still there. The entire store is already decorated. The rent in the unit is on a month-to-month basis, it's not like I have to sign a lease. This is my Hail Mary play. Ask Wes to do an inventory of what's left, put a value on it, and let me continue to run the store and make payments to him on the leftover inventory as I can. If stuff's in storage, who will see it? What does he have to lose? I will take out a very small loan, enough to pay the rent on the unit for a couple months, the utilities, and not take a salary. I will advertise like crazy, something we didn't do enough of. I know all the vendors and I know all the customers. I know what sells and what doesn't sell and now that everything is pretty much gone, I have a clean slate to only put what sells in there. I know what Wes did that worked, and I know what I might try to do a little differently.

For the last three years I have jokingly told Wes when he left for extended amounts of time that if he wasn't careful, when he returned he would find I'd changed the name of the business to "Pua's Polynesian Emporium." Now, I tell Lokelani, maybe I can do this. Maybe I will. Maybe, just maybe, I can make it work. Maybe, he'll let me give it a whirl. I've only got this one chance. I'm scared shitless, but I've been terrified before and lived. I've got no money and only a couple of weeks to come up with some. I've had no sleep, but I'm kinda getting used to that. Maybe I'm putting too much on a dream. But I don't want to live with regrets if I don't even try. What to do? What to do?

A Cruise & A New Car....Kinda

I got home from the shop and stood in the quiet house. Ellie, as usual, greeted me happily at the door. After receiving her "welcome home" lovies, I surveyed the kitchen; the sink full of dishes from hit-and-run meals by college kids on project deadlines. I sighed. I'd just spent the day cleaning nearly bare shelves and listening to people tell me how sorry they were that we were closing. I was in no mood to clean up dishes only to dirty more.

As I pondered dinner preparation in front of an open freezer door, my darling husband, probably sensing the vibe from his frustrated wife, called from his car on the way home.

"I'm about to pull into the driveway. Come outside and let's go out for a bite. I know you've had a hard day and neither one of us wants to cook..right?"

I love that he knows me. I grabbed my purse and waited on our porch for my knight to pull up in his old white steed named Buick. Two blocks away from home, we drive into the parking lot of a favorite restaurant; Karl Strauss Brewery. It's valet parking, so we approach the kiosk, our young friend gives Charlie a ticket and we head inside. We always chuckle at how all the nice luxury cars are parked right out front. Charlie's poor old car (formerly his mother's) is usually delegated to a space a bit farther away from the restaurant entrance.

We're enjoying our dinner while my sweet husband lets me lament my way through a couple of Bourbon & Cokes (yeah, I'm hitting the hard stuff). We talk about the countdown of the last few days left in the life of House of Tiki. I cry. He reaches across the table to hold my hand and he allows me to grieve. When I've come to a place of resolve, at least for the moment, he smiles and says;

"I have a surprise for you. Really, it's for both of us. I think we deserve it.

I look at him and cock my head, much like Ellie does when you say "Cookie?" to her. He tells me that he's booked us a little 3-day cruise in November, after all is said and done at House of Tiki, and after his October 30th project deadline at work. What? You did what? He squeezes my hand.

"We deserve it, and it's only a couple of days. We don't ever have to get off the boat if you don't want. After all, we've seen Ensenada. Been there, done that. We'll just lounge on the boat, eat, drink, and let someone wait on us. How's that sound?"

He can tell right away that I'm running dollar signs through my head. He knows I'm thinking about money.

"Stop. It cost us a pittance. It was nothing. I got a good deal. It's off-season. Besides, we spend more on kids books, and keeping kids cars running. It's our turn. It's just a couple days. Let's just do this and not think. Let's debrief. Let's leave all these cares behind on the land while we sail on the sea. Let's rock and roll Baby!"

He winks at me from across the table. A good effect. I'm sold. And grateful. I adore this man.

We pay the check and go outside to collect our ride from the stable. It's a one valet place, but he's a bit backed up with two Mercedes to park, and so I sit on a nearby bench to wait. He sees Charlie and runs to get the car. My view of the parking lot is obstructed by a palm tree, but Charlie snickers and I hear him say;

"He's bringing us a Lexus, Honey."

I laugh.

"That's a good one Charlie. A cruise and a new car all in one night."

He looks at me quite seriously.

"I'm not kidding."

Sure enough, our young page has brought us a shiny, spanking new black stallion of the Lexus variety. Through the driver's window, he sees my jaw drop. He opens the door, and Charlie says:

"Well, that's very nice, and I'd love to take it off your hands, but I'm afraid the owner might have a coronary when he comes out and sees you've brought HIM a 1996 Buick."

Our startled friend responds; "Not your car?"

"While the temptation to lie right now is overwhelming, no, that's not my car."

The embarrassed valet returns the beautiful car to its parking space and retrieves Charlie's nearly vintage vehicle. We laugh about the "possibilities" and "what ifs" had we simply got in and took a quick joy ride.

"Well." Says my still-shining knight. "I may not be able to give you a land yacht right now, but I can give you a Fun Ship for a couple days."

And off we drove into the sunset.

The Abyss

I can feel it creeping in. It's slow in coming, but I know it is stealthily closing in. The foreboding cloud of depressing is about to cast itself over me. Today, people that have wandered in to the shop have all asked the question; "So what are you going to do now?" Without really thinking about it, I answered; "Well, I guess I'll just curl up into the fetal position and cry for a little while...maybe a week or so. After that, I don't know."

I'm really scared. So scared that stuff's just not right and my body is all out of whack. I have to remember to eat, which is a very new experience for me. A year ago, I'd be eating myself to death. But now, eating is, well, sometimes difficult. Food is not where I hide anymore. The stress is taking a toll. Today was a very stressful day. I so needed a hero. But the one I needed was not forthcoming, and so, yet again, I had to depend on myself.

I cry all the time, mostly when I'm alone. I haven't been sleeping very well and have unfortunately been depending a little too much on those little "Simply Sleep" pills. I know that I'm in the early stages of grief and I'm trying really hard not to be obvious about it. I just keep functioning. Because I have to. I don't know what else to do.

I feel lost. The only one that really knows how deeply my heart hurts is Charlie. I go through the motions. I keep the regular routine. I smile. I say, "Bye. Have a nice day!" when the kids leave for school or work. I fix what's broken, and clean what's dirty, and feed what's hungry, and then I go to work. And I count the days until the 30th when the doors close for good.

I remember when I first started this blog. I called it "The Abyss" because I started writing during a time in my life when I struggled with depression on a daily basis. I needed an outlet. Over the years, it changed. I found joy and family, and left the sadness behind. But these last couple of weeks, I feel that familiar pain. That sadness that grips at me and scares me down to my soul. This weekend, I escaped to my sister's house and just slept a lot. Sometimes, I think just being somewhere else besides home lets your mind rest. I used to consider home a safe haven. Right now, it doesn't feel like that to me. There is always something that needs taking care of, or requires attention, or pulls at me. This is sadness talking. I know it. It isn't rational and it's all full of emotion and it's being typed through tears. But I've gotta put it somewhere, so this is where I'm putting it. And I don't much care about anything else.

I probably should go to bed.

A Note to My Son

If I say "Help Me"...Can you just please say "Okay"? Is that so hard?

Hau'oli La Hanau Maikalima

photo courtesy of Brown Hound Photos :)

I woke up at 3:30 am. I don't know why. I lay there listening to Charlie's rhythmic breathing next to me, and the contented sleep-sigh of Ellie at my feet. I was jealous. They were blissfully ignorant of my inability to join them in restful slumber. Dammit. I tossed. I turned. It isn't new, this insomnia thing. It's kinda been this way for months now. I worry about the shop, I worry about the bills, I worry about my husband worrying about the bills. Now, I worry about being unemployed. But that's not it this time. I looked at the clock again; 4:45, tick, tick, tick. And then it hits me...

Twenty-four years ago today, at 4:49 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, after 19 1/2 hours of labor, Charlie and I added to our family:

Averie Joy Maikalima Omakua
7 lbs. 9 oz. 19.5 in.

She was beautiful. Perfect in every way. She turned our twoness into threeness. She made us a family. Her name means "From the hand of the Father", and she was and is our joy. She didn't cry, she just opened her eyes and looked around; surveying her world. It was an indication of things to come. The way that she would function; eyes open, always watching and writing down everything she saw. She has the soul of a poet and an easy laugh. She was my first. My entrance into parenthood. The beginning of what is my continual well of worry, and my constant source of awe. She makes me feel that everything is worth it. I wrote little things she said down and I called them "Averie-isms" and sometimes, I look through that little rememberance and I smile. For all the bad, for all the fuckups, for all the hurt, for every stupid decision I've made in my life, I look at her and know without a doubt that she is part of my reward for hanging in. I did something good. And every night, when she says "I love you Mommy." My heart swells.

One Mother's Day, moons ago, she made a list of some of the reasons she thought I was awesome. I think since it's 4:49 am, and I'm not sleeping anyway, well why not return the favor? These are the Averie things I love:

1. Her favorite number is 42. Douglas Adams and I are proud. :)

2. Instead of thinking I was daft for loving Python comedy, she wink-wink, nudge-nudges right along with me.

3. She's freakin' hilarious and remembers every stand-up routine that ever made me laugh, and always makes me laugh when I need it.

4. She's equally talented and tenacious, and even though she's been let down again and again, she just keeps working at pursuing her dreams.

5. She calls home almost every night to talk to her Daddy, which makes him happy. I love that she adores him, trusts him, and values his opinion.

6. She knows how much I love trivia and feeds me constantly with yummy entertainment info so I can maintain my title of "Trivia Queen".

7. She embraces her heritage; adopting "Kulia I Kanu'u" (Strive for the Highest) as her life mantra and putting it into action.

8. She CHOSE ME to take with her to a "secret" Eddie Izzard show because she knew how much I loved him.

9. She wore the scarves I knitted for her even though a couple of them were my "firsts" and they were really ugly.

10. She's a chip off the old Nerd Blocks. Of the three, she's the one that loves Sci-Fi and comedy (especially British comedy), which makes Charlie and I pretty sure there was no mix-up at the hospital. She's definitely ours.

Happy Birthday Sweet Averie. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mommy.