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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Road Wisdom

2/1/07...Three months.

So..I'm an idiot. It's not news. I've known it for a long time. Even worse than being an idiot is knowing and not doing anything about it. "Cut her some slack" I hear the softer side of me saying. "Bullshit, she's lazy" retorts the My-Own-Worst-Enemy side of me. This internal dialogue has been running wild in the sponge that is my brain for months now. And I've allowed it.

July was not a good month. I couldn't do anything right to save my life. Not for myself, not for my kids...good grief, not even for the dog. Despite the fact that I was afforded the blessing of getting to go home to Hawaii to visit my family, I found myself wondering why 6 days couldn't just be stretched into forever. I didn't want to go back to California. Back to "that place", back to real life. I wanted to stay nestled in the comfort of ohana; the love of family.

I haven't bounced back so well from losing both my dads, mum-in-law, our dear friend Johnny, Aunt Mary, my Chris. I just haven't responded in the most healthy of ways. I found myself back in the abyss. In September, just days after my birthday, I got the call which would knock me on my ass for a good, long time. Chris, my darling friend, had passed away suddenly. He had just turned 39. I couldn't breath when those words "Chris is gone" passed from his sister's lips to my ears. No. No. No. Please God, Goddess, whoever holds this universe in their hands, please let this be something that I will wake up from. Yet two days after the call and two flight changes later, I was standing in front of his casket in a tiny, little funeral home in Texas begging him to open his eyes. No one should be lying in a casket at 39. There is too much of life left to live...isn't there?

I tried to move on because I had to. People depend on me. I went through the motions and along the way found small ways to honor those that I missed. I picked up my Daddy Dad's ukulele and strummed softly in quiet moments. I walked down the hall and brushed my fingers across my birth father's picture. I made Mum's favorite steamed pudding and cookie recipes at Christmas. I wore Chris' ring on a chain around my neck and I got a new tat. Of all things, the last one gives me peace and makes me smile. It means he's with me forever.

Life is stressful, and so damn hard. We struggle, and despite the setbacks we just keep moving forward hoping for some kind of cosmic karma to shine a light in our way. I'm weak, but I hear the voices of the wise ones before me; the people who loved me who've gone on their way.."This too shall pass, Pua. This too shall pass.". They bid me forward and prod me to continue the path. Not one promises ease but there must be joy in the journey. I've always believed there must be joy in the journey. It's what makes one weary foot move in front of the other against what would otherwise be back-peddling. And God knows, I never want to go back.

Happy Birthday, Anniversary, Hannukah, Christmas, all things celebrated, all joys expressed, births, weddings, for everything I've missed, including the tears and sad days...my heart is and will always be there.

2/1/07...Three months.