I Got Nothing Left

I'm spent. Tired, lost, lonely. Surrounded by people, but very lonely. I'm on auto-pilot. Going through the motions, but in a state of despair. I got nothing left. Nada. I just keep going because I have no choice. I can't fall apart, because people depend on me. I smile, but I don't feel it. It's just for show.

After my daily visit with Mom today, I sat in my car in the parking lot of the nursing home and lost it. Cried my eyes out. Literally. I cried so hard, my contact came out. I drove home with one eye closed because I couldn't see.

I'm depressed. Been depressed for a few weeks now, but I've worked hard to convince myself it wasn't back. I can't be depressed. I can't. People depend on me. I felt it creeping in slowly and I tried to stave it off. I find I'm afraid of happy things right now. Because everytime something good happens for us, double bads are right behind it and it's so hard to get through. I would write in more detail, but it doesn't matter, and really, who cares? It's just a bunch of whining.

Tomorrow, I'll write some light, fluffy, trifle about something. For now, I want to curl into the fetal position. I'm tired. And I got nothing left. But I gotta keep going because people depend on me.