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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Don't Trust Feelings

I'm feeling very lonely this week. I feel selfish for feeling that way. I think it's all part of the facade, and I KNOW it's a facade, of being Superwoman. I know there's no such thing. I've known that for a very long time and I've never professed to be that person. It's just that I'm a Virgo, and that alone comes with so many burdens. I know, Godsakes, that I'm anything but perfect. Yet I find that I function as if there is no other option for me. I'm always trying to be everything for everyone. Sometimes at the risk of what is good for me. I'm not complaining, I'm just acutely aware of it. I've tried hard to let be what will be and roll with the flow, and the honest truth is I've made great strides in that regard. Sometimes there is no choice, so letting go is just easier.

In the last week or two, I've put off getting my ultrasound and CT done because other things were going on. The insurance company made putting it off easy because they had to pre-authorize the CT, so I had no choice but wait. But I have to admit that I did cancel one appointment, using the excuse that I HAD to work. Which is not the case because Wes is always right there to cover and so great about putting family first. To be honest; I put it off because I was scared. Despite the fact that everyone told me "it's no big deal," I was afraid. Here, I'd just spent an hour on the phone telling my daughter that her upcoming doctor appointment was no big deal and she shouldn't worry, while I put off my own tests out of sheer terror. I know that all I had to do was ask Charlie to go with me, and he would have gladly done so. Instead, I put on the brave, big lie of a facade that I didn't think it was a big deal either and didn't ask for my beloved to come and hold my hand. Why? Because he was having a really bad week at work and I didn't want to add to his stress. In my crazy head, someone else is ALWAYS more important than me. This is one of my biggest flaws; that I believe that everyone else has more value than myself.

I went yesterday to have my tests done. I was lonely there. That's my own fault. The IV hurt and I didn't really listen to what the technician was telling me was going to happen. That's my own fault. I went home after because the white stuff they make you drink was making my tummy sick. The house was empty, except for sweet Ellie who met me at the door, tail wagging as always. I sat down for a minute and hugged her and I cried. I don't know why. Because I felt lonely, and dammit, that's my own fault.

I went and took a nap and when I woke up Caris and Bry were home and asked me how I was. Out came that brave face with a smile. "I'm fine. Everything's fine." What I really wanted was a hug. But I didn't ask for one because I know that Caris is in finals hell (and Facebook heaven) for a class, and Bry was in textbook buying hell (and, again Facebook). Crap, even Facebook makes me feel like a lonely outsider, not one of the popular kids, a nobody. I really hate Facebook. Really. Hate. Facebook. That's something I CAN'T change. I wish I could explain that, but no one would really understand. Besides, that's another story for another day. The bottom line is; in my mind, everyone else is always more important than me. So, instead of telling my kids how I was really feeling, I was stupidly silent and didn't ask for my hug. Which I KNOW would have been generously and freely given. Even if I'm not on Facebook. Did I mention that I hate Facebook?

They told me that the test results would be at my doctor's office in two days and I should call and make an appointment. I didn't because in two days, I will be in Hawaii. My mom is ill and I need to go home. Again, I can wait because there is something more important than me and my stupid gall bladder, if that's what all this is about.

When I feel like this, EVERYTHING is always exaggerated. I think stupid, paranoid thoughts. Did I do something to offend someone? Did I say something wrong? Is that why so and so doesn't call, or write, or visit? Etc. Etc. It goes on and on in a vicious circle. I KNOW that I cannot trust these feelings. I also know I can't stop them. They come. I just try to ignore them, put on the brave face and move along. Still, I feel lonely today. That's my own fault. But right now, I just can't help it.