Rough Seas

Though it's had it's "up" moments (and I've really tried to concentrate on those), it's been a bit of a tough week. Fair warning: I'm going to ramble, and I really need to. So please bear with me.

Last Friday night, things took a bit of a bad turn for Charlie's mom. Her condition, called "cellulitis", despite her oncologist's best attempts to control, has returned with a vengence. As a result, we spent Valentine's Day in the emergency room of the hospital. We were there from 5 am to 6 pm, when she finally was admitted and given a proper room. It wasn't the most ideal way to spend Valentine's Day, but the upside was, every female in the house (except Shanny) got roses from some sensible male in their lives. Two dozen reds for me, one dozen peachy pinks for Averie, and a half dozen pinks for Caris. The house smells fabulous!

Once Mom was admitted to the hospital, things with the cellulitis got better, and because Caris had an agent's showcase in LA on Sunday, Charlie's sister and her hubby took over sitting with Mom at the hospital and Charlie and I were both able to take Caris north.

Though she was nervous, Caris did very well, and seemed quite pleased with her performance. Usually, she's very critical of herself, even though she need not be. So it was a great feeling to see her walk out of the audition room with a HUGE smile on her face. When we asked her how it went, she was very excited to tell us that they had noted on her resume that she was a singer as well as an actress and they asked if she would sing for them right then and there. She said, "Yes!" and confidently sang a few bars of "I Still Believe" from Miss Saigon. It's really wonderful to see her progress and not be shy when asked to slate or deliver a monologue or sing on demand. We were very proud of her and could really feel her excitement and her sense of accomplishment. It was a good day in that sense.

I had a callback on one of the interviews from last week. On Thursday, I went back to New Directions for Women, a non-profit drug and alcohol rehabilitation center for women. They were looking for an HR Administrator, and though my background is in Payroll, much of my experience came in dealing with Human Resource issues. The position is part-time, 25-30 hours per week (perfect!), the office is small (3 other women), the work is rewarding, and I really feel like it's everything I was looking for. Something that really makes a difference in people's lives. Not about career, not about money, not about corporate egos. I want this one. The Executive Director, a very personable and friendly woman by the name of Robin, seemed affable and open and I think that I represented myself well. Because it was out of the corporate sector, and because it was designed as a "safe haven" for women, I honestly felt that I didn't have to worry about whether I had the "appearance" they were looking for. I could be myself and I would be seen and heard for what I had to offer. I felt like I mattered. She said there were 3 other candidates, but that she would let me know by Friday. For the first time in a long time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my mother. I didn't fully realize it until Caris and I were at Jenice's (Charlie's sister) house having lunch and we were talking with her about Mom's condition and how she was improving and coming home today. Jenice had just had foot surgery last week and couldn't really do much but keep her feet up, so Charlie was picking Mom up and getting her home while the three of us shared lunch and a visit. The subjects of mothers and grandmothers arose and suddenly I remembered the date. Caris felt the impact a little more than I did and wept, which started Jenice and I on the same track. Though I smiled through it, I couldn't help but think of her the rest of the day and how much I miss her. I said to Caris as we drove home in the rain; "Grandma would be SO proud of you and Averie and Bry....so very proud. I wish she was here to see all of you." Caris gave me a loving caress.

Later on in the afternoon, Charlie was concerned about his mother being alone in the house after just getting out of the hospital and he made a remark about how frail she seemed and not quite herself. So he took her home, got her settled, and came home real quick to grab a few things to spend the night at her house, then went back to make her some dinner. Caris, preparing to leave for Utah on Thursday, needed a few things from Target for the trip, so she and Bry and I went to Target. Then we went over to Mom's so that Caris could see her before she left. Things weren't going so well. Charlie was on the phone trying to get ahold of her doctor.

He said when he arrived there, she was sitting in the dark, in the kitchen, and hadn't moved since he had left her. She was awake, but just not "there". She couldn't form coherent sentences, her right hand was limp at her side. When the kids and I got there, expecting to see a woman happy to be home, she was not herself and she didn't recognize me. Charlie feared that in the time she had been released from the hospital and he had gotten her home, she had suffered a mild stroke. The doctor told him to get her back to the hospital. Caris, Bry, and I helped Charlie get her into the car and then we headed home to wait. The ride home was silent though I kept asking them if they were ok, if they needed to talk about anything, but neither wanted to speak and I could feel the great sense of worry. Caris wondered out loud if she should go on her snow trip to Utah since the last time she went away, her grandfather died. I told her that we would wait for word from Daddy. She asked me to take her to Taryn's house so she could be with her friend. I did as she asked. I could understand her need for comfort.

When I got home, Averie was just getting home from work, and so I had to tell her what was happening with her grandmother. She, being the tenderhearted person that she is, wanted desperately to go to her. I wanted to go myself, but I knew that Averie needed to be with her grandmother, and I needed to deal with Bryson. I didn't want to leave him alone at home, and I knew that he couldn't handle being at the hospital. So I told Averie to first calm down, wipe her tears so she could drive, and go and be with Daddy and spend some time with Grandma. She left immediately.

As Bry and I waited at home, we cuddled under warm blankets on the couch and I asked him if he was ok and if he needed to ask any questions or if he wanted to talk about anything. He didn't want to. I'm sure he was thinking the same thing as I was...please let her be ok. Thoughts ran through my head about the untimely irony of the events of this particular day in the history of our family. I don't pray much anymore, but I sent up a loving thought of healing. For all of us.

Averie came home about 11. She said that Charlie had told her to go home and get some rest. That it would be awhile before they got any news and the emergency room was quite busy. I asked Ave if she got to spend some time with her grandmother and how she seemed. She said she was having trouble with her speech, and she seemed tired and frail, but she seemed stable. I could tell that Averie was relieved that she went and I was grateful for that. I know in her head she was thinking that she never got to say goodbye to my mother and God forbid that that should happen again. I understand the need to be present.

At 1, there was still no word and I got Bryson and Caris off to bed. Averie continued to work on her essays, and finally, at 2 am, I went to sleep. At 3, the phone rang. Charlie said that he was taking Mom home. They did feel that she had a mild stroke, but there was nothing to do but get her home and make her comfortable. She would be taking some blood thinners, and she would be a bit "out of it" for a little while until she regained her strength, but that she could go home. Charlie said he would sleep at her house for a few hours until Jenice arrived to take over and he would meet me at the church to see Caris off on her trip. I asked if he thought Caris should go, and he said that she should.

At 7, Caris and I got her bags into the van and drove over to the church to meet up with her Youth Group. Charlie arrived a few minutes later. While he talked with Caris and I about how Mom was doing, John Ordaz drove up. For those of you who don't know, John is the husband of the girl who told lies about me at my work and basically helped me lose my job. Like the good Christians they are, they attend this church (which used to be our church as well), but I wasn't aware that John or Kim might be going on this trip. I didn't think they had anything to do with the Youth program anymore. It was awkward, and difficult for me.

I know it sounds petty of me after all these months, but there is still SO much pain. I guess, with all the emotions rising up over losing my mother, and the possiblity of Charlie losing his, and then seeing the girl who I feel stabbed me in the back and betrayed me with a smile on her face behind her "Christian-eze", it was just all a little much for me. Kim came up behind me and squeezed my shoulder, "Hi Pua". I smiled quickly, said hello, and then turned my back to her. She got more than she deserved in that moment. I only wanted to tell her to get her hand off of me before I bitch slapped her. That was the first time in 7 months that I had seen her and all I could feel was bile rising in my throat. I hate her. I just fucking hate her. I hate her fakeness. I hate that she has everyone snowed. I hate that she's a liar and a master manipulator, and I hate that she gets away with it. I hate the pain she has caused me and as a result, my family. I hate that I once called her friend not knowing all the while, she was setting me up. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my life. But I hate her. That may all seem less than mature, but right now, I don't care.

Charlie and I gave Caris a hug and wished her a happy trip. I was happy she could get away from here for a little while. I wished the same for Charlie and me. But there are things to deal with, calls to make, family to talk to, a frail mom to care for. Life goes on and the work that goes with it. For now, some sleep without worry would be a welcome change.