Too long, I know...

Wow...so much has transpired since I last blogged. And yet, it seems so little. Which is why I tend to "stay away." The feeling that I have a lack of things to say, or that I just feel "meh" about it. Since last Wednesday, when I decided that perhaps Dr. Phil isn't the a**hole I thought he was (on the subject of weight), I've at least reached my goal of losing 5 pounds this week. It sounds so meaningless when you think in the grand scheme of it, I'm looking for a whopping 100 pound loss. At least, that's the way I thought before OR the "thinking change" I'm trying to put into action. So, I'm breaking it down, point by point, so that I can wrap my weight-warped brain around the accomplishments of the last 7 days that have brought me to this place:

* I've promised myself that I would keep away from the negative thoughts that would sabotage my progress. I don't call myself names first thing in the morning when I look in the mirror.

* Despite the fact that I've had a myriad of reasons to run to the pantry and binge because it's smack full of yummies and stress is taking a toll on me, (I disagree with Dr. Phil about getting rid of the "trigger" foods that my family loves. I'm the one with the problem, why should they suffer while I'm learning to control myself?) I haven't.

* I've honestly started asking myself "are you hungry?" Something that I haven't done in YEARS.

* I've started taking my vitamins again.

* God, I REALLY missed fruit! I had NO idea how much! (I was an Atkins addict for a year.)

* Water isn't so difficult to drink.

* I've gotten up in the mornings and walked. Even though I hate it. And I've progressively walked a little more each day. First few days, just the treadmill and gazelle. The next few days, outside in the park; two laps, then three, then four. On Sunday, I walked around the Dunes a few times with Shanny. I think I'm about up to 45 minutes now, where last week, I could only manage 20.

* I've stuck to my 20 grams of fat, 1000 calories a day. On Tuesday, I had a half teaspoon of hollandaise on my salmon, just to taste it. And I didn't guilt out over it.

Now, if I just say to myself (as I often have in the past) "just 5 pounds, big deal," I could find a multitude of reasons to sigh and moan and give in to the negative thinking and go eat a huge IHOP breakfast. But since I've broken it down into the work that I put into "just 5 pounds", well, it IS a big deal. A really big deal. And I'm happy with it. Yay me!

On the job hunt...

Ok, this is where the negative thinking has been a bit harder. But I've pushed through the pain. I've had three interviews this week. One phone interview, and two personal interviews. One, I'm very excited about though I'm not allowing myself to feel it or express it. I'm afraid. Every other time I've done that, I've been painfully disappointed.

The thing is I'm really good at what I do. I'm a great payroll accountant and an incredible administrative assistant. I worked hard at it all these years. It's ok for me to say I'm good at something. The problem is that they LOVE me over the phone...I represent well and then they want to see me. And I swear to you, I'm not imagining this, once they SEE me, they change their mind. This is Southern California. The Orange Curtain, as Averie likes to call it. It's all about appearance. If you don't look good, you're invisible. Don't get me wrong; I'm hardly hideous. But, I just don't have the "look" for corporate Newport Beach or Orange County. I'm overweight.

These days, when looking over ads and postings for positions, I always pass on the ones that say "professional appearance." Why, you ask? Because I can walk in as fine and well-put-together as Camryn Manheim, with a great resume detailing everything they want, but one look and it's "thanks for coming, we'll get back to you."

So, I've decided at 43, I'm allowed to be choosy. I've put in my dues. I'M deciding where and when I go, and who gets the pleasure of my company. After a "dry spell" where I was wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt, I've come around. Like Al Franken's Stuart, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me.

I like me too.

And finally...notes from the Mom:

P.S. to Averie - I love you and I'm proud of you for your accomplishments this month.

P.S. to Caris - Good luck at the audition today Bunny...knock 'em dead!

P.S. to Bryson - NICCCEEE haircut Grommet! :::grrrowllll:::