The Mat At My Heart Doesn't Say "WELCOME" Anymore

Recently, a dear kindred spirit took a break from social media.  We've all been there.  I admit, I've thought about that more than once.  I tried to do it myself a few times.  I kinda suck at it.  Soon, this blog will be ten years old.  The more I reflect upon my past experiences with the Blogosphere, Facebook, Tumblr, MySpace, Twitter, etc., the more I realize that I depend WAY too much on other people for my self-worth.  I care too much about what other people think of me.  As a result, I am always unhappy.

That's a sad realization to come to.  Don't get me wrong.  I've met some wonderful, wonderful people.  People, that as you know if you know me at all through these words I have been putting together here for nearly a decade, I care about to the very depths of my soul.  The problem is that I put too much of me "out there".  And then I get crushed by the smallest thing.  It has taken me a long time, but I realize that I am a sad, messed-up, deluded person.

I've known it for a long time, but social media is really bad for me.  Really bad.  It is a constant drain to my soul.  When you open yourself to "friendship", you open yourself to seeing things you don't want to see, hearing things you don't want to hear, feeling things you don't want to feel.  For someone like me, someone who is overly empathic, this is soul-sucking poison.  I've measured it lately, and the truth is, there is nothing on Facebook that has edified my soul in any way.  In fact, I have wasted too much of my time worrying about who I've offended or what I've said, when really, I haven't done anything to warrant questioning myself.  I am always too quick to take the blame when I haven't done anything wrong.  I apologize when I shouldn't for fear of losing friends.  Friends?  It's laughable how pathetic I am.  Truly.

The dear soul who took a social media sabatical is really the only one who will truly understand what I'm trying to express (probably quite poorly) here.  But until my heart and soul heals from this horrific last year, which it obviously isn't doing as well as I thought, I need to retreat.  I must, or I lose myself.  I need to love myself the way that I love everyone else.  I deserve that.  I deserve to be free from drama, illness, jealousy, envy, financial worry, stress, anger.  And all Facebook does is constantly remind me of all these things that I need to stay away from. 

It's funny how you get to the point in this social media circus where if you don't make a daily post of some sort, somewhere, people forget you.  My friend was saying that snark has replaced constructive discourse.  People don't really have conversations anymore.  They snark at each other.  He who snarks best wins.  He who has the funniest picture wins.  Well, I'm not snarky.  I'm not all that funny.  I'm not pretty, or witty, and nope, I'm not gay.  I'm just a wife and mom.  Who once had a mom blog and made the mistake of trying to find her identity there. 

What I AM is someone who deserves to be loved just because I breathe.  I deserve to be treated with respect.  I deserve to know that what I think matters, that what I care about is important, that what I say does not fall upon deaf ears.  I deserve the kind of respect that I bestow upon others.  I have never demanded it.  I never stand up for myself.  I let people walk all over me as I walk away from conflict.  Until now.

Today, with a quiet roar, here on my little soapbox, in my safe, little corner of the world, I say enough.  My heart is not a doormat.  And for now, I'm pulling the Welcome mat up from social media.  I don't know how long I will last.  But I need to try.  Because right now, all it does, every fucking day, is break my heart.