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Monday, February 21, 2005

So much to say...

There is so much I want to share. But I'm not doing so well right now. My friends have come to rescue me from myself. Poor Charlie; for a week now, I've been a complete mess. I cry at the drop of a hat, and even though I started my new job today, I can't keep my mind off my poor puppy in the hospital. The first day on the job was wonderful. People are so kind. It's too soon to really let them into my world and tell them that my insides are in knots. That I haven't slept in 6 days. That I get up every morning at 2 and 4 to throw up. I thought things were better, but along with the sweet comes the bitter. I know it seems so trivial....but my guts are in knots.

I called the vet as soon as I was off work today. I expected good news. I didn't get what I expected. Her blood work didn't bring the results we were looking for. They're now talking about putting in a feeding tube to completely override her stomach and pancreas. Dear God, how long do we go? My heart is in a million pieces. Tomorrow I will bring her home. No matter what. The vet says that if worse comes to worse, he is willing to come to our home to administer euthanasia. I don't want her last memory to be of the hospital. I want her to be here; in loving arms. I'm a mess. I love this little dog so fucking much. Excuse me. Too much vodka. I'm very angry and hurt right now. Perhaps I shouldn't write much more. If I can hurt this much over a little black dog...imagine how I am with loved people in my life.


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