Lonely In A Crowd

I've been feeling lonely in my "busy-ness". I know that probably doesn't make much sense. I'm constantly surrounded by people. I'm always doing stuff that requires my attention. But even surrounded by people, I feel lonely. And sometimes a little lost.

I have everything to be grateful for...and I am. I guess it's just that place I call "The Tyranny of the Urgent". Yes, it's from Charles Hummel's book, and though I've only ever done the skim through, I remember when I was reading it about 15 years ago I thought to myself..."Oh my gosh, that's me." I suppose I'm not unlike every other human being. I might overprioritize. I might sweat the small stuff when it's unnecessary. I might think getting things done is more important than it really is. And then, when my expectations aren't met, I feel....lonely.

Last year this time, I'd just become unemployed. I had a dream job. A job I thought was my reward for years and years of "paying my dues". I finally got to a place that I loved. I felt appreciated and respected. I adored the owner of the company that I worked for. A wonderful man. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you work for big corporate America, or smaller family enterprise; there are still people who feel threatened by you and will go out of their way to stab you in the back. I did my job the best way I knew how and always gave 110%. But things changed in my department, and soon, one by one, good people were being "accused" of things and being let go, including my manager. I never really thought it could happen to me. I kept out of gossip, I worked 50-60 hours a week, I had a great relationship with the owner and other people OUTSIDE of my department. But one girl in particular was the company kiss-up, and the other girl..well, let's just say she was evil. Before I knew it, I was in my supervisor's office being shown papers full of lies about me. Even though I fought back and defended my honor, I was too late. They'd apparantly been working behind my back for a good long time. So I resigned.

That's the first time I've ever been able to write about that here. So anyway, over the past year, with the same work ethic I have shown at every job I have ever had, I've worked my tail off at being wife and mom. Somewhere, I feel like I've been so busy conducting the "Tyranny of the Urgent" that I've lost myself again. In the midst of doing all the everyday things that need to be done for everyone around me, I'm very alone. It'll pass. It always does. And today I've done my level best to shake it off and do everything positive to keep it away. In service to my family and whatever it is they need, which is how I got here in the first place, I forget self. Yet sometimes, self is very isolating.

I'm not making much sense. So I think I'll go have a Cosmopolitan. They're pretty.