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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The High Priestess is momentarily thrown off-kilter...

Here it is, the beginning of yet ANOTHER year where I think to myself that I MUST get off my arse and lose weight. Soooo, in honor of that pledge, I begin the week off just fine. I get up, get the gromlets off to school, put on my tennies, and I walk. Then, feeling good about myself, I do some laundry, tidy up the kitchen, AND before Ave and Mary are even out of bed (which isn't saying much considering they didn't stir until 11:00-ish) I have a pot of potato cheese soup on the stove for supper, made lovingly from scratch. Then, I prepared a nice salad to go along with the beef pattie I'll have for dinner while everyone else enjoys the soup. I've had 24 ounces of water, (oops! I've forgotten breakfast) folded and put away clothes, made my bed, put out a resume, AND I've made myself an Atkins approved lunch; some nice lean roast beef and swiss cheese with some cucumber spears and a bit of ranch dressing. The girls have arisen and we've had some nice conversation about their outing last night to see funny Jeff Cosgrave's excellent performance in Fullerton. Averie leaves to take Mary home.

In the meantime, back to my efforts to stay busy and keep from thinking about food...still catching up on all the laundry I've let slide over the holidays. Work on organizing some filing and looking up things for Charlie, have yet another 12 ounces of water, then maybe take a few minutes (or an hour) to take a stroll through the Blogdom and peek into fellow Blogizens lives. Before I know it, it's time to go and pick up the gromlets from school, watch Ellen, and then get cracking on Bry's homework; a RIVETING speech and poster presentation about Sacagawea. I believe this is my fourth time through the 8th grade and I'm here to tell ya, it doesn't get any more fun than this, people! (Please sense the sarcasm). Once the drama Queen (literally, Caris is playing the Queen in the school play, Robin Hood) has been returned to the school for rehearsal by her sister, I can begin to concentrate on heating up the supper soup for Charlie, who will be home from work any minute. Whew! What a productive day! I feel like I've really accomplished something! It's a good beginning. Feeling great about myself and the acomplishment of getting through most of the day without too much effort. And hey, for me, this is big stuff. I'm well pleased.

As I'm busily helping Bry with his poster which has spread over the dining room table, (project due January 9th), Charlie, Ave, and Bry are dishing up their soup and I'm cutting and pasting pictures. Charlie places a lovely bowl of warm soup on the table next to me and without so much as the quiver of a thought, I devour it while simultaneously slapping glue onto the back of a trail map. I'm WELL into the middle of Sacagewea's lifeline and her participation on the Lewis and Clark Expedition when I suddenly realize....I've just consumed my ENTIRE week's worth of carbs in one damn bowl of soup! I wasn't even going to have soup. I had made that lovely salad earlier in the day. But here, without even thinking, I've literally screwed myself. Saboteur! I sit in stunned silence for a moment. I get up, walk to the kitchen sink with my empty bowl and warm tummy full of carbs, and I start to cry. Charlie looks at me and says.."Pua, what's up, Honey?"

"I just blew my hard work today"

"How so?"

"I just sucked down that soup without so much as an afterthought"

"Looks like you're having plenty of afterthoughts to me"

"You know what I mean"

"Yes, but it's just a bowl of soup"

"Are you kidding? It's the bowl of soup that Dr. Atkins had nightmares about...pure potato."

"Pua, it's one meal. Don't beat yourself up over it."

"But, I'm good at that"

"Yes, you're better at it than anyone. So stop. It's ok. Tomorrow's another day."

:::sigh::: "Fine"

I go into my room and sit down on the edge of the bed. On my nightstand is the book that Caris bought me for Christmas; "Skinny Women Are Evil" by Mo'Nique. There's SOME bit of comfort in the fact that she writes what I've always felt. Not so much about skinny women, but about being a large girl in a small-minded world. After a couple of chapters, I resolve that it's not so much that I should be concentrating on the food right now...but about my mindset. About WHO I am and how I carry myself. That instead of being so self-conscious, so self-deprecating, so ASHAMED about the package my soul is in, that I should be proud of my beautifully "bouncy" self. While I get to the place of "love" for me, while I understand that no matter how people treat me or don't treat me, whether the rest of the world looks away or pretends that I am invisible, while I learn that it is not my body that defines who I am (this is a lifelong lesson) no matter what society and the magazines full of skeletons say, I am ok. Even at 43, with lessons to learn still ahead. I am ok. Completely loved and thoroughly beautiful. And I make a DAMN good potato cheese soup!


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