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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Abyss

I can feel it creeping in. It's slow in coming, but I know it is stealthily closing in. The foreboding cloud of depressing is about to cast itself over me. Today, people that have wandered in to the shop have all asked the question; "So what are you going to do now?" Without really thinking about it, I answered; "Well, I guess I'll just curl up into the fetal position and cry for a little while...maybe a week or so. After that, I don't know."

I'm really scared. So scared that stuff's just not right and my body is all out of whack. I have to remember to eat, which is a very new experience for me. A year ago, I'd be eating myself to death. But now, eating is, well, sometimes difficult. Food is not where I hide anymore. The stress is taking a toll. Today was a very stressful day. I so needed a hero. But the one I needed was not forthcoming, and so, yet again, I had to depend on myself.

I cry all the time, mostly when I'm alone. I haven't been sleeping very well and have unfortunately been depending a little too much on those little "Simply Sleep" pills. I know that I'm in the early stages of grief and I'm trying really hard not to be obvious about it. I just keep functioning. Because I have to. I don't know what else to do.

I feel lost. The only one that really knows how deeply my heart hurts is Charlie. I go through the motions. I keep the regular routine. I smile. I say, "Bye. Have a nice day!" when the kids leave for school or work. I fix what's broken, and clean what's dirty, and feed what's hungry, and then I go to work. And I count the days until the 30th when the doors close for good.

I remember when I first started this blog. I called it "The Abyss" because I started writing during a time in my life when I struggled with depression on a daily basis. I needed an outlet. Over the years, it changed. I found joy and family, and left the sadness behind. But these last couple of weeks, I feel that familiar pain. That sadness that grips at me and scares me down to my soul. This weekend, I escaped to my sister's house and just slept a lot. Sometimes, I think just being somewhere else besides home lets your mind rest. I used to consider home a safe haven. Right now, it doesn't feel like that to me. There is always something that needs taking care of, or requires attention, or pulls at me. This is sadness talking. I know it. It isn't rational and it's all full of emotion and it's being typed through tears. But I've gotta put it somewhere, so this is where I'm putting it. And I don't much care about anything else.

I probably should go to bed.