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Monday, August 31, 2009

This Too, Shall Pass

I'm feeling a little sad today. The weekend ended a difficult week, and though there was a small reprieve from worry for a few short hours on Saturday, Sunday brought new worries. I know that worry won't solve anything. If there's something that I've kept from my "Christianese" days, it's that worrying won't add an extra minute to my life. In fact, it will take minutes that are just too valuable these days. Yet its difficult sometimes to stop the brain wheels turning.

I don't know what the future holds and right now, the future is looming like a dark cloud over my head. What I do know is that it IS coming and I am certain I have no choice but to deal with it as it comes. I'm scared. But like every other time I've been scared, I will move through it.

After work on Saturday, I went to my dear friend Nancy's house. I met Charlie there. While Nancy and I floated in her pool, Charlie played Cabana Boy and brought us cocktails. We laughed and let the heat of the day leave us and the three of us talked about all the difficulties permeating each of our lives. There's some really hard shit to deal with; job losses, financial hardships, relationships crumbling, loved ones who left only days ago, and loved ones who are now knocking on heaven's door. I know we're not the only ones dealing with the hard shit. Everyone has their burden to bear. It's how you deal with it that makes the difference.

Charlie has always been rock-solid. He deals with stuff matter-of-factly, as it comes. There is no whining, there is just action. Nancy, like her father before her, is a bulldog. You cannot go around the problem, over the problem, or under the problem. You must go THROUGH the problem. Deal with it head-on. These are traits that have been difficult for me to aspire to. I tend to be emotional and I cry first. Then I whine a little. Then I get pissed off. THEN, I deal. I know it sounds heartless, but sometimes, it always makes me feel a little better if I concentrate on someone else's shit for a little bit. When I do that, it makes my shit seems so small by comparison. It didn't take long for someone else's shit to come our way.

On Sunday, we got a big, fat dose of someone else's difficulties and Charlie spent the better part of his weekend being a friend. For me, it was just a half of my Sunday. I don't know what will happen, but a dear friend of ours is in the hospital. It doesn't look good. Even worse, the people on whom he depends are kinda crumbling around him in self-destructive ways because they can't get their head off themselves and rally around him. I've always been the kind of person who won't give up on hope until the door is closed and locked. But it could very well be that hope is walking out that door right now and he's taking our friend with him. Of course, then a new level of hope begins, and there is comfort in that. It's just that there's going to be some heavy crap left behind to deal with.

As I think on these things, it makes my worries small. Not insignificant, but small by comparison. I don't know whether to feel good or bad about that. Maybe grateful is the right word. For now.