Selfish

I'm gonna be selfish for a minute. Maybe two. I'm drained. I can understand how Tuna Girl must feel. I feel like a military wife whose husband has been deployed. Only mine never physically left. He's still here...just not "here". If that makes any sense. But for months now, in fact a couple of years (since Charlie's dad committed suicide), Charlie's been the responsible family guy. Taking care of not only his own household, but putting out family fires between siblings, taking care of his mom's household, and now, even taking care of his aunt's household all the way in North Carolina. I honestly sometimes feel like with all the important things that must be done, and now the added stress of his mother's failing health, I have no husband. It's getting lonely.

No harsh words against Charlie. In fact, I feel guilty even feeling sorry for myself. But I do. And that's just the honesty of it. I try to be a good mom, a great wife, a loving and patient daughter-in-law. I try to help him as much as I can with EVERYTHING that his family and fate throws at us. But the truth is, I'm just not as positive a person as he is. Where he musters energy because "it has to get done", I'm just sapped. I still keep going, but I don't have a smile on my face like he does. I miss US. I miss us desperately. We haven't had more than 24 hours alone together in over 2 years. And I don't see any coming anytime soon.

It scares me. I wonder if when we finally do get the time alone together, if we're going to still like each other or if there is going to be that awkward lingering silence that happens when people become strangers. I told him last night after coming home from the hospital how scared I was that there was no "US" anymore. We've spent so many years taking care of everyone else. We have no freedom, no privacy, no fucking money. Where is the line drawn? He promises things will get better and that we will get through this. But things never do get better. I never see the light at the end of the tunnel and life is just wearing me down.

I just want to have something to look forward to. I want to be planning romantic trips like other couples our age. I want to do more than just go down to the pub for a couple hours in an effort to keep my sanity. I want to have an anniversary that's more than just a card and a kiss. Twenty plus years seems like a long enough time to wish for more than this. I want to look in my wallet and see something other than a moth fly out. I don't want to visit anymore hospitals or talk to anymore insurance people. I don't want to worry which bedpan is better. I don't want to change anymore adult diapers and wipe up staph infected drool. I don't want to be "the good kids" anymore. I don't want to be "the responsible ones". I want my life back. Or at least I want a life. And I want to be the only woman in my husband's life instead of part of a "harem" of in-laws.

The other day, my daughter came to us and said that she and her boyfriend were thinking about taking a short cruise this summer and it was all I could do not to run out of the room crying, SO intense was my jealousy. What kind of a way is that for a mother to feel? What kind of a patient daughter-in-law am I? What kind of a loving wife?

Now, I gotta go to my suck-ass job where I'm considered less than dirt, after which I'll relieve Charlie's sister at the hospital. Because I missed so much work last week sitting at Mum's bedside, I now get to worry about having enough money for groceries this week. If it's not one fucking thing it's another. Mom hovers over life and I whine. Poor me. Basically, I suck and I just don't care. As far as I'm concerned, I have every reason to be pissy. Enough already. Please. Enough.