Decisions, decisions...
I've just spent 2 hours of my morning scanning through 2,229 job listings. Guess what? Of the jobs that I'm qualified for (and that's a total of perhaps 10), I think that there's only one that I feel that I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting. Chances are, I'm going to walk over to South Coast Plaza and get a retail sales job. One that pays less than my daughter's job.
As the bank account goes lower and lower, and Charlie looks more and more stressed when he looks over the bills, and it's less and less likely that the house is going to be painted or the driveway done, I get the overall sense that it really is time to get back to work. The "luxury" of staying home (I say "luxury" very lightly) is waning into a financial clusterf*&k as we take on more responsibilities (car payments) that drain the money OUT with me not contributing to putting anything IN. But, as I sat for the one hour in between running back and forth from school drop offs and pick ups that I might possibly have had alone (didn't happen, unexpected company), I wondered to myself, as I often do.....what would they do if I weren't home to be able to do this for them?
Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. In those transitive places where you struggle between what's best for your kids, and what's best for your family, and what's best for yourself, you find the oscillation can pull you into a mass of tiny little emotional pieces. I've enjoyed the time off, I've loved being home (if you can call it that...it's been a long and busy summer), and I hope the kids have enjoyed having me home. But the down side is; the longer I stay away from the workplace, the more I feel unqualified to return. Scared. I don't want to apply for jobs anymore. Why should I? No one wants me. I don't fit the picture of the perfect candidate they want. Not only that, I don't seem to have the intestinal fortitude it takes to get that perfect picture in place. I look at these job postings and think..."Nah, you can't do THAT, Pua." The more I listen to myself, the more I believe myself. Worthlessness comes in a neat little package and I'm my own worst enemy.
For now, I have to drive Averie to work. In that sense, until she gets her license, I'm still needed.
I've just spent 2 hours of my morning scanning through 2,229 job listings. Guess what? Of the jobs that I'm qualified for (and that's a total of perhaps 10), I think that there's only one that I feel that I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting. Chances are, I'm going to walk over to South Coast Plaza and get a retail sales job. One that pays less than my daughter's job.
As the bank account goes lower and lower, and Charlie looks more and more stressed when he looks over the bills, and it's less and less likely that the house is going to be painted or the driveway done, I get the overall sense that it really is time to get back to work. The "luxury" of staying home (I say "luxury" very lightly) is waning into a financial clusterf*&k as we take on more responsibilities (car payments) that drain the money OUT with me not contributing to putting anything IN. But, as I sat for the one hour in between running back and forth from school drop offs and pick ups that I might possibly have had alone (didn't happen, unexpected company), I wondered to myself, as I often do.....what would they do if I weren't home to be able to do this for them?
Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. In those transitive places where you struggle between what's best for your kids, and what's best for your family, and what's best for yourself, you find the oscillation can pull you into a mass of tiny little emotional pieces. I've enjoyed the time off, I've loved being home (if you can call it that...it's been a long and busy summer), and I hope the kids have enjoyed having me home. But the down side is; the longer I stay away from the workplace, the more I feel unqualified to return. Scared. I don't want to apply for jobs anymore. Why should I? No one wants me. I don't fit the picture of the perfect candidate they want. Not only that, I don't seem to have the intestinal fortitude it takes to get that perfect picture in place. I look at these job postings and think..."Nah, you can't do THAT, Pua." The more I listen to myself, the more I believe myself. Worthlessness comes in a neat little package and I'm my own worst enemy.
For now, I have to drive Averie to work. In that sense, until she gets her license, I'm still needed.
posted by Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar | 9:17 AM
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