Which way is up?

So I report to the new job after so much family emotion and disarray, only to find that I'm drowning in a pit of confusion. The guy that's supposed to train me is on vacation this week, leaving me to flounder. They stuck me in a corner with a beta fish in a bowl and said, "welcome to the company", and then just left me alone with a stack of stuff to do and no one to show me HOW to do it. Every single program in the system is password protected, so I can't even give myself a tutorial, AND no one has the time to show me how to do what I'm supposed to do. Everytime I ask a question about something, I get the response..."Oh yeah, I'll show you that in just a second." But "just a second" never comes. Finally, they hand me someone's check to calculate and it turns out this person is salary, has every friggin benefit possible that has to be retro'd, and it's WAY the hell over my pointed head. I can't win. I'm useless, worthless. In the words of The Tinman, "Fuck Math." I'm gonna go sell chocolate covered cherries at Harry and David's or some other trained monkey work. ::::sigh:::: Why does everything have to be so damn hard?