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Saturday, May 07, 2011

Silicone Marriage Saviors

No, you cheeky buggers. I didn't get a boob job. I got these:

Now, I know, without benefit of a visual size reference, these might look like some sort of kinky sex toy, and probably some of you might be thinking back to that
swiveling buttplug leash incident at the surf shop moons ago. But I promise you, it's nothing as titillating as that. These, my dear friends, are earplugs. Or, as is listed on their packaging; hearing protectors. However, were I to rename them, I would call them marriage protectors.

You see; my darling husband snores. Loudly. Sometimes he snores so loudly that he even wakes himself up. Which is then usually followed by an exclamation of; "Damn!", and then a chortle, and then right back to blissful snoring. Me? I am not chortling. I am lying there, wondering if I should go to the living room couch. But I know that if I make a move to leave our bed, it will wake Charlie in an instant and he will chivalrously offer to move he, and the offensive snoring, to the living room. That would leave me feeling guilty, and then I will not sleep anyway. So, I lie there in the dark, listening to his rhythmic nightime cacophony. Of course, he always tells me; "Just nudge me and tell me to turn over", and for years, I have done that. Countless times a night, I turn toward him, gently rub his arm and tell him to turn, and he, without ever complaining, complies. But I would often wonder how good can HIS rest be if I'm constantly waking him to turn over?

I began to think we were not only heading to Ozzie and Harriet twin beds, but even worse, we were heading for separate bedrooms. The horror! In all honesty; I was truly worried. If we couldn't find some sort of solution to this nightmare, we were going to end up like my parents, relegated to divided sleeping quarters on opposite ends of the house. Fear took hold. I probably worried about it more than Charlie did. In fact, I don't think he gave it much thought. But it did give me cause for concern.

One night, a few weeks ago, I found this little container of what at first sight appeared to be jelly beans, next to Charlie's wallet and loose change on his dresser. I asked him about it and he told me that sometimes, when he has to go to the manufacturing lab at work, he has to wear these protectors because some of the machinery is so loud. Makes sense. And then it hit us both like a ton of bricks. I put the little vial of soft, pillowy treats on my nightstand. "I'm using those tonight, Honey!"

Sure enough, that night I had the best night's sleep I'd had in ages. So, I continued to use them, and the good sleep continued. I would always have to say to Charlie that he needed to remember that I was using them should there be a house fire or emergency of some sort. Sometimes, he'd forget and leave for work without waking me and I wouldn't hear the alarm clock and I'd be late for work. But for the most part, I was so happy.

Then, one morning, Charlie mentioned to me that he had been sleeping really well too. Again, an epiphany! If I was sleeping soundly and not being disturbed by his snoring, which in turn would cause me to wake him up to have him turn over, then he was sleeping through the night as well. It was a bonus; a true win-win. Our little pluggie friends were bringing the joy of sleeping together back into our world.

Last month, I was talking to a customer about Charlie's and my wedding anniversary and how we were going to celebrate. She asked how long we'd been married and I responded with a proud smile; "Married for 29 years, together for 31."

"Wow, that's awesome! So, what's your secret for a happy marriage?"

Without hesitation, I responded; "Earplugs"