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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

If my dog is staying, I'm staying...

Rapture Pet Care Services©
by Charlie Huffine

The very best pet care for the Pre-, Mid-, or Post-Tribulation Pet!

With the end of the world coming soon (May 21st), Rapture Pet Care Services© will be offering extended care services for pets that are left behind when their loved ones are “raptured” away on the 21st. We have multi-tiered plan that will provide the level of care individuals desire for their pets to have after they are gone.

All of our plans include the following:

■ Day after follow up phone call to verify rapture.
■ Next day pickup by pet care professionals.
■ Optional notification of family members that you are gone and your pet is being provided for.
■ Five sessions with Certified Animal Psychologist to help your pet with the sudden loss of his or her master and acclamation to their new environment.
■ Early Departure Clause: Individual who’s pet (or themselves) die prior to the rapture date are entitled to a full refund (refund form must be filled out, signed, and returned to Rapture Pet Care Services by one of the individuals listed on the policy within 20 business days).
■ Early Termination Fee: For individuals who decide that “This Service Isn’t For Them” prior to the Rapture Date identified in the policy are entitled to full refunds minus a 25% early termination fee (minimum 48 hour Pre-Rapture Date notification required).

Optional Coverage:

■ Rapture Insurance - If the rapture does not occur on the anticipated date stated in the policy, we will offer a 50% refund of the total amount paid, or we will keep your policy open and intact at no additional charge for the next rapture date of your choice (additional charges for insurance may apply).

Rapture Pet Care Services Care Plans:

Frugal Family Plan: This is our basic plan which treats your pet like the animal it is. Basic food and water are given twice daily with twice-a-day access to our Self Service Potty Arena©. Your pet will be kept in our large Group Housing facility, where it will have plenty of company each and every day. This plan provides basic care for your pet for one year from the Rapture Date. It may not sound like much, but it’s better than your pet being on its own. Also, this plan allows you, the owner, to take up to one full year in heaven to make arrangements for your pet to be “Raptured” as well (not included in God’s original Rapture Plan) prior to the termination of your policy.

Pricing: $666.00

Frugal Family Extended Plan: This is the same as our basic plan with the option to purchase an automatic six (6) month policy extension, up to a total of (but not beyond) three years. Extension will be purchased on your pets behalf 24-hours prior to the end date of your policy. VISA, MASTER CARD, OR DEBIT CARD must be on file with our office (this provides for individuals who made theological errors in judgment related to being a Pre-Tribulationist, Mid-Tribulationist, or Post-Tribulationist but guarantees that your pet doesn’t have to suffer because you were a theological dummy).

Pricing: $333.00 (For each 6 months added to policy.)

The Silver Lining Plan: This plan goes beyond the Frugal Family Plan, but keeps in mind that you’re not made of money. This plan will save money in the long run and offers care for your pet for a period of three years (linked to key tribulation time periods). This plan also provides three meals a day with fresh water at each meal. Not only will your pet have access to the Self Serve Potty Arena©, but will be offered one walk around the Arena twice weekly. Your pet will be upgraded from our Group Housing Facility to our newly-developed Pet Hostels©. Your pet will still have plenty of company each day; however, each hostel limits the number of occupants to twenty (20). You can feel better about your choice for your pet while taking up to three full years in heaven to make arrangements for your pet to be “Raptured” prior to the termination of your policy.

Pricing: $3996.66

The Golden Opportunity Plan: This plan offers your pet the best of our budget pet care plans. Your pet will receive everything in the Silver Lining Plan with these extra options: pet treats between meals, walks around the Arena five times a week and limited contact with a Surrogate Master (10 minutes per day, twice weekly). Plus, your pets living conditions will once again be upgraded from our Pet Hostels© to our Happy Pet Hotel© where you pet will live with no more than ten (10) other occupants. You owe it to your favorite friend to consider this extra special plan.

Pricing: $3996.00 (Plus an additional $30.00 per month.)

The Platinum Pet Plan: This plan offers everything and shows that you care for your pet like it’s one of the family…but not. You get everything the Golden Opportunity Plan offers but with the following extra benefits: name-brand food for your pet at each meal, walks twice daily (five days a week), Surrogate Master time of 30 minutes (five times a week), and all of the pet treats your pet can handle. Once again, your pet’s accommodations will improve as they find themselves in the Playful Pet Park Pet Condominiums©. Here, your pet will be living with no more than five (5) other companions. Take your time making other arrangements, your pet will be thinking it’s on vacation instead of in the end times.

Pricing: $6660.00

“One of the Family” Plan: This is our premier plan. It lets others know that your pet was cherished. This plan provides Top Notch care for your pet for a period of seven (7) years, the full Tribulation Period. This is unheard of in the “End Times” pet care industry. Competitors can’t touch this plan for the price we are offering. Your pet will be provided with four square meals a day, consisting of brand name foods for two of the four meals with the other two meals consisting of pure table scraps - just like home! Your pet will be walked three times a day, seven days a week. They will be personally escorted to the Potty Arena© each and every time they need to go, followed with a full hour of time with a Surrogate Master. This include snuggle time in front of the television every evening. Your pet will be kept with members of its own kind (cats with cats, dogs with dogs) and will have its own personal pet house. And if that’s not enough, your pet’s new home will include three pictures of you, unlimited treats, and conjugal visits with any of his or hers new friends. With this plan, no further arrangements are necessary as the World Ends at the end of the Seventh Year. However, unlike the rest of mankind, you will have the knowledge that you pet was cared for in your absence. Enjoy your new world!

Pricing: $10,000.00

Just think about it, can you put a price on your Pet’s happiness?

I didn’t think so.