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Wednesday, October 20, 2004


I've been a bit pre-occupied the last few days. So much so, that I feel a little out of the blog loop. I've applied for 3 jobs this week. Nothing big, and not full-time. I still feel in my heart that I need to be "present" in the kids lives right now. For the longest time, I felt that once they were in school full time, especially in the junior high and high school years, I could work full time outside the home, relatively guilt-free. I was an at home mom up until Averie was 12, Caris was 10, and the Grommet was 8, and then I went back to work when Charlie decided to go to school full time. I worked throughout Averie's junior high and high school experience and I know she was fine with it. But once things in my "corporate" life started to spin out of control and I settled back into homelife (which can be translated into "licking my wounds")I began to realize that Caris and Bryson, especially Bryson, really still needed me around. Now, 18 months later, the financial crush of losing a whole income is being felt pretty hard.

We wondered last year when Averie was being accepted to universities right and left, how we were going to afford tuition. Thankfully, she decided to stay at home and attend college here for a couple years giving us a little more time to plan and *cough* *cough* "save". Not seeing back then, the impact of unexpected life changes; i.e. finding my birth family, Charlie's father's suicide, Charlie's mother's illness and rapid decline, we were deluged with LIFE in a short span of time. Never once did Charlie put pressure on me to go back to work. Never once did he complain about the heavy burden that he was carrying. Never once did he ever make me feel that I was the failure that I thought I was. In fact, after he watched me struggle through the emotional hell of countless job interviews and rejections, and saw the "personhood" being sapped out of me, he embraced my return to the hearth and home. I threw myself right back into PTA, tutoring, carpooling, booster club meetings, drama mom coaching, taxi mom, waterpolo mom, hockey mom, AND Queen of the Laundry Mountain.

This week, Averie came home from a counseling meeting at college and informed us that she was two classes shy of transferring. She could graduate as early as the Spring with her AA and move on to university. We were thrilled, excited, proud as hell, and scared shitless. Here we are, standing at the brink of this new and wonderful adventure, yet again. Only this time, completely broke. Last night, I had a bit of a panic attack. The memory of filling out FAFSAs and the myriad of scholarship applications went swirling through my head. I haven't slept in three days. I'm quite sure Charlie hasn't either. But he's not saying anything. Why do we worry? What will happen will happen. I have to believe that along with the bad stuff comes the good, and not vice-versa. Which is hard for me.

So, Monday I went and applied for a job at Michael's and Harry & David's. Yesterday I applied at Macy's for the seasonal rush, and today, I applied to take a class to become a certified Notary. Nothing that requires me to be involved in office politics and backstabbing and all things I can do in the late afternoon and evening so as not to miss Bry's games, the girl's plays, homework, dinners, etc. I can't believe how much it took out of me just to go out there and apply. It was hard. I've been hurt out there before, and people are unkind. I've enjoyed being home. It's safe here. I KNOW how to be a wife and mom and even though sometimes its hard and I feel taken for granted, I KNOW how to do it. Not only that, no one else wants this job and won't talk smack about me to get it. It's mine and I'm damn good at it.
But it's time for me to help Charlie. Tuition isn't going to pay for itself. Not only that, Right after Averie comes Caris and if I know her, I know that she's gonna wanna blow this town as soon as she gets out of high school. No hometown college for her. She's gotta go East. I know I need to help and more than that I want to. I just wish I didn't have to go "out there" to do it.

I'm honestly scared to death.


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