One Week

One week from today, I will step off the plane in Hawaii. Hawaii is home to me, so that won't be anything I haven't done before. I know the sights. I know the scents. I know the feel. I know the sounds. It's all very familiar. But this time, different faces will be there to greet me. Faces that will be familiar, but faces that I do not know. They say that strangers are only friends that you haven't met yet. This time, the strangers are family that I haven't met yet. I'm scared.

I know that I shouldn't be worried. Since I found my birth family back in April, they have been nothing short of wonderful. Welcoming, loving, healing. But as it gets closer to the day, I feel moments of complete and utter terror. I've talked to my birth mother on the phone. She seemed as relieved and scared as I was. My brothers and sisters have embraced me and welcomed me into their world. Every week, when my brother Eddie and I talk on the phone and he tells me how excited everyone in Hawaii is, it brings me to tears. As I sit here and type this, I feel myself being overcome with emotion. This has been a long, hard road.

I remember thinking of those times when Charlie would encourage me to try to find my biological family that I would balk and say to him; "Are you out of your friggin mind?" My adoptive family was not fully functional. In fact, they were downright scary. What if my birth family is like that too? What if they're freaks? Why would I want to subject myself and my family to that? What if they're not freaks, but they think I am? What if they reject me? What if they slam the door in my face and tell me to get lost? What if? What if? What if? Charlie would always calmly say; "Yes Pua, what if? What if they're wonderful? What if they love you? What if they miss you and want you to find them? What if you get that gaping hole in your life filled? What if you find the missing pieces that have haunted you all these years? What if?"

Oh sure, Mr. Smarty-Pants who now winks at me everytime the phone rings and it's my brother Kimo. Mr. I-Told-You-So who smiled smugly at me as I told him about my day with Loke and Lono. Mr. You-Should-Have-Listened-To-Me-Sooner who leans back with his arms behind his head and gloats as my brother Eddie warns me that half the North Shore will be meeting us at the airport. God I hate it when he's right. Not really. Because I know that he's also Mr. I'm-Always-Here-For-You-Pua. So that even if MY What If's came to be the reality, I'd have Charlie arms to fall into.

In one week, I'm going to need those arms to drag me out of the plane. Because as excited as I am, I'm also scared shitless.