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Friday, February 10, 2012

The Hole in My Cup

I'll be honest. I'm really struggling right now. As I look over my FB posts, I can see it. I'm snarky, grumpy, just downright bitchy. I wanna hit something.

Too much hard stuff in too short a time. Got some bad news a few days ago, then more bad news. I know. There have been some great things and I am trying SO hard concentrate on those. But I swear, sometimes I feel like the bad is overwhelming the good. I know. I know all the things I'm "supposed" to do, and think, and feel. But I am almost afraid anymore to have happy moments, because I know, very soon, something really incredibly shitty is going to swoop in. It scares the crap out of me when I think like this.

I had just said to Charlie the day before yesterday that I noticed that I was sleeping better the last couple of weeks. Then last night...BAM! News came that totally f'd me up. I didn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking.

My brother-in-law passed away. He battled long and hard with an illness. My sister wrote how she'd lost her best friend. I can't even tell you how that wrenches at my heart. I know everyone loses someone every day. That doesn't make me think less about how much pain my sister is in. Yes, I feel for everyone, but right now, this is taking over.

We'd just gotten over a massive hump with Jeff. I let out a sigh of relief. Of course, we were overjoyed. But no sooner did that wave of happy pass, when the next shit wave came. A totally different wave from another angle. This is how it's been for months now.

I'm tired. I know it's selfish to feel this way. But I'm really tired. Sometimes, I'm so afraid to allow myself to feel good. Then I remember that people are depending on me. I just need to figure out how to fill my cup faster because that hole in the bottom of it drains quicker than I can fill it. I can't afford the luxury of negative thinking. Too much is at stake. Still, I am really, really tired.