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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Not Alone

It's true. I've been pretty down lately. I've been trying real hard to focus on the positive and not get bogged down in the mirey muck. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. There was a time, not so very long ago, when what I'm experiencing now would have taken me under. I've learned, over time, that the dog paddle is a very effective, albeit tiring, survival technique. I smile, I paddle, I smile, I paddle, and very much like a terrified, non-aquatic canine, I paddle even when I'm above the water line; paws madly clawing at air. Eventually, I find something solid to grab onto and hold on. I may not be able to get out yet, but at least I'm holding on.

I have lamented to whomever is within earshot; Charlie for the most part, that despite my networking and my daily searches on Monster, Craigslist, etc., no offers are forthcoming. Not even a hint. It's frustrating. I didn't really think it was a big thing at first. But as the months have passed, with no hint or crumb of hope, I began to think that it was definitely me. As you well know, I thought it was an age thing after Caris put out one resume and on her first try, got hired at a place she loves. So I "tweaked" my resume. That was a few weeks ago. I've sent the "new and improved" resume out oh, ten or so times. Nothing. Nada. Big fat donut.

I have to admit, much to my displeasure, that I pretty much lost it on Monday. I was already on the edge. But a flippant comment sent me over the falls and the waterworks were seemingly unstoppable. It didn't help that it was a shitty day weatherwise and I couldn't even escape the confines of these walls and at least take Ellie for a walk. That usually works wonders in getting me out of ME.

Interestingly, I have two really wonderful men in my life who seem to be very in tune to my melancholy. Of course, my husband calls me and walks me through the process. He's had 30 years practice after all. Then, out of nowhere, Wes brings flowers and Kiva to cheer me up. They both, at different times of the day, tell me the very same thing;

"It isn't YOU, Pua. You're not alone out there. There are jobs, yes. But there are MORE people needing them. The competition is ferocious. Don't think it's you."

I nod. I really want to believe that. After all, who wouldn't want me? I'm damn fabulous. Right? Okay, other than that little voice who whispers "Oh it's you alright. Don't kid yourself."

Anyway, I have a little chat with Averie. She tells me that she's signed up to do some volunteer work with kids in LA. An arts program. She suggests I look for some volunteer work myself. I smile. How funny to come full circle. My child reminding ME about service. I take her advice, and in VERY short order, I have three volunteer "jobs" all lined up. Easy-peasy. Somebody definitely wants me! I'm feeling better already.

This morning, as I usually do, I went to Craigslist. I found this:

Hail Mary

I could hear Charlie and Wes again; "It isn't you Pua. You're not alone."

I wrote "Hail Mary" an email to let her know she wasn't either and that I wished her well. It's tough out there.