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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Facebook Rant

Facebook IS evil. Well, okay. Perhaps that's a bit dramatic. That's because I'm angry. I'm angry and hurt. I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, and surprised. Charlie says I shouldn't be. Charlie says that I shouldn't give it as much energy as I have. Charlie knows me better than that.

I made the mistake of thinking that Facebook was as "safe" for me as my blog. That, like my blog, it was a comfy place where I invite people I know and love to come in, stay awhile, relax, have some warm cookies. Okay, okay, here's the chaser too, you drunken lot I love.

Unfortunately, it hasn't altogether worked out that way. You, my blog family who truly love me, love me here AND there, and that means a lot to me. But those people from my past, especially high school, have drummed up rememberances of a time that really wasn't all that great for me. Here I was worried about how my kids would react to me being out there. I was worried about the wrong thing.

In high school, I was the quiet nobody. Always in the background, painfully shy. Nerd Girl. Plucked unexpectedly off my island home and shipped off to live with my grandparents in SoCal, I was the "exotic-looking" dark girl amongst the blue-eyed, blonde surfers. In the 70's, that California surfer look was what got you noticed. I'm not complaining. I didn't really WANT to be noticed. I wanted to go home. I hated California. Oh sure, I was "sweet". That's what everyone remembers about me. They don't remember that they teased me mercilessly about the scar on my face, or that I was the "chubby" one. They don't remember that they asked me stupid questions about living in Hawai'i and whether we had electricity in our grass shacks. We had electricity before YOU did, you stupid fucks. Look it up. They don't remember that they followed me home from the bus stop and threw paperback books at my head. Why? Because my clothes came from Woolworth's and not OP or Hang Ten and they didn't believe someone from Hawai'i didn't dress in the latest surfer clothes. They don't remember they were cruel. I guess I didn't remember that either, because I went and put myself out there. I felt safe, and loved, because that's what I got here on my blog. I got acceptance. You loved me for me.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've looked at this Facebook thing as a kind of experiment. I've always said that the people from high school who were assholes are still assholes. This from the perspective of going to my 10 year reunion. I never went to another reunion after that, because, well, the assholes were still assholes. The jocks were still jocks, the cheerleaders were still cheerleaders, and me? I was still "sweet", unnoticed nerd-girl from Hawai'i. Not to mention, my kids actually went to the high school I graduated from. So I STILL saw a lot of those people. Why go to a reunion when you're still living it daily? The people that snubbed me then, still snub me. The only difference is I didn't care, because, well frankly, my kids rocked that damn campus with their awesomeness!

So back to Facebook. I've recently been "friended" by the mean girls who followed me home from the bus stop calling me names. It's okay they write me notes like "WOW! It's so nice to see you!" and "Hey, I remember you. You were so nice!" It doesn't bother me so much that they don't remember how they made me afraid to leave my house and how I would beg my next door neighbor to drive me to school because my mother wouldn't. You'd think that after 30 years, I wouldn't have all these painful thoughts rushing back at me. You'd think it wouldn't matter. I NEVER expected these feelings, and the truth is, I feel a bit sideswiped by them. I also got a note from a "popular" guy who said he remembered me because I ran for a Student Body office. Yeah?..nope. Another guy, a football jock that I had an excrutiating crush on who copied all my papers in Civics class and on the last day of school told me to "fuck off" because I asked him to sign my yearbook...well he "remembers" that I was the girl who dated his best friend. Again...nope.

I forgot how much I hated high school. I met Charlie when I was 19. He lit up my world and loved me for me and honestly, he renewed my faith in people. He made me forget all the ugliness. Damn if he didn't do a good job, because I forgot all this crap. I forgot it so well, that it didn't even occur to me that I'd be opening myself up to all those feelings again. I thought I could handle it. But yesterday, I lost it.

I posted a picture of my hanai (adopted) nephew's best friend and myself. He happens to be a professional football player. I've seen this kid, off and on, at every family event over the years, as he and my nephew went to high school together. And I know stuff that the average Joe doesn't know. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Last Saturday, he was in town, and my nephew called me and told me to run across the street and get a pic with him, and a long sought-after autograph for my brother-in-law who is a huge fan. It was exciting and SO joyful. This young man was FULL of Aloha, so sweet, so kind, so humble. He actually thanked ME and he blushed at my excitement. Branden had been trying to get us together for a couple of years, but with all his traveling, the timing just never worked out. Until now.

Leave it to someone from high school to say something COMPLETELY inappropriate and post that comment under the picture. Leave it to my son, and my blog family to come to my rescue. The sad and surprising part to me is that this is NOT one of those people in high school who was mean or unkind to me. This is someone who I always thought was a really good person. This is someone who Charlie knows as well and he is equally shocked and surprised by this person's comments. I think that's what hurts me the most. I ended writing a personal message to that individual. I also chose to remove the picture and the comments out of respect to my nephew, his friend, and his friend's family. They've already been through enough hell because of lying bullshit spewed around by the media and perpetuated as "truth" by ignorant people like this. I'm embarrassed that he used my happy post to hurt me AND this young man.

I have a feeling that I am not long for the Facebook world. I like it right here even if everyone has moved to Facebook and never reads another word I write. Here, I have cookies and booze and hugs when I need them and people don't say shitty, asshole things just because they can.