Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?.....Forever
Yep, the family vacation is really over :::sigh::: I apologize for playing like the sloth and not blogging, but I've been in a sort of "Twilight Zone." Charlie's sister Jenny picked us up from the airport at 5:30 am on Thursday morning, just in time for a tired family to watch the sunrise. As we headed south from LAX to The OC, Jenny began to tell us all about the family (Charlie's side) excitement we've missed in the past week.
As you recall, Jenny, Charlie, and I share the responsibility of taking care of Charlie's elderly mother. He has two other sisters, but they live out of state and are unable to help in Mom's everyday care. Since I haven't worked outside the home since May 2003, I haven't minded helping out and I know that both Charlie and Jenny appreciate that I'm there to fill in the gaps. I've shared with you that Mom is an 80-year old two-time cancer survivor (lung, brain) and that last year she became a widow when Charlie's dad, after being diagnosed with a treatable heart ailment, selfishly decided not to hang around for treatment, and took his own life
Over the past year, she's done pretty well living alone. She can no longer drive, so we do all of her shopping, errands, and we take her to her church meetings and doctor visits. Whatever she needs, we take care of. Well, it appears that her days of living alone are at an end. While we were in Hawaii, Mom took ill again and Jenny and her husband had to take Mom to the hospital. She was in a great deal of pain and the doctors diagnosed her with Shingles (ouch!) Since it wasn't life threatening, Jenny didn't call us over in Hawaii because she didn't want to alarm us. But she says it's very evident that in a very short time, Mom's strength has diminished and everyone worries when she's alone. Therefore, Jenny and her husband suggested that we either think about putting her in a home, or hire a full-time, live-in caregiver. I cringe at the thought.
On Friday afternoon, I suggested to Charlie that we invite Mom to come and live with us. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked me if I understood the implications to our family unit. Living with an elderly person is not new to me. I lived with my adoptive grandparents from the time I was 12 until I was 17. I found it to be a wonderful time in my life. I learned so much and they had such interesting stories to tell. I feel it enriched my life. I'm thinking it will do the same for my kids, having Mom come and live with us. Charlie thanked me. There's nothing to thank me for. It's the right thing. We're a family.
On Friday night, Charlie made the suggestion to his Mom and asked her if she would like to come and live with us. She seemed happy and said she liked the idea. So now, we needed to decide whether we were going to add on to our existing home, or find a new house that would accomodate our needs. Charlie started drawing up plans to remodel our house. On Monday night, while we were over and Jenny's house talking about the "Mom Situation", his sister in Pittsburgh called. Mom had fallen down while she was talking on the phone with her. Instead of telling her to use her "I've fallen and I can't get up" Life Alert button which is what this is for, Charlie's sister called around to all the neighbors until she got someone to go over and help mom. Now, that's all well and good, but Robin (the Pittsburgh sister) could have called either Charlie or Jenny, which she didn't, or she could have told Mom to press her Life Alert button. That's why we got that for her. The need for us to move quickly became apparant. We didn't have time now to build on, we HAVE to find a house big enough for all of us and move. NOW.
Charlie put his drawings aside, and I started looking on the internet for real estate listings in our area. In all of Costa Mesa, a city of approximately 100,000 residents, there are only 4, count 'em, FOUR, listings for 5-bedroom houses on the market right now. I got my friend Abie, an agent, to get us into all of them on Monday. The kids went with me; I figured it couldn't hurt to get their opinions. After all, this effects them. Let's cut to the chase, shall we? The places were too small, square footage wise, AND they wanted me to put up my son as collateral. Either that, or cut off an arm and a leg...squeeze blood out of a turnip....and every other metaphor you can think of. The least expensive home was $729,000! Hello? Are you shitting me? For that kind of money, these better be pristine. But no. One, I would even consider a "fixer".
Finally, at the last house, I kept my fingers crossed and said a little prayer before we went inside. It was WAY more than we could afford on our own, but if we sold our house, and kept Mom's as a rental, or vice versa, we might be able to swing it. The house was perfect. Absolutely perfect. It even had a renovated bottom floor HUGE, master suite with a sunny sitting room. A little work and we could put in a mini kitchenette so mom could have her own little place if she just got sick of us. We thought we'd hit paydirt. I went over the next day and took Charlie AND a video camera so that we could show Mom what we'd found. The kids went with us and excitedly ran around the upstairs, each "claiming" a room as their own. It could work. I began to see a happy lining.
That night, Charlie took the video over to show Mom. She said she wanted to see it. Yesterday afternoon, he brought her over. There was now a "FOR RENT" sign in the yard. I had a little panic attack. The owner was getting desperate. The house had been on the market for 45 days and he needed to either sell or get someone in there to lease. The montly leasing amount you ask? $2,875.00. Good God. My mortgage right now is $900. We could NEVER afford to lease, but with the equity from Mom's house AND income from the rental of our house, we could afford a couple hundred more on a mortgage. It was doable. It would be really, really tight. But it was doable.
The kids and I all waited outside while Charlie walked his mother through the house, which is no easy task. After their walk-through, they came outside and on her way back to the car, she turned to look at me and she said..."Don't get your hopes up." That was it. I took that as a no. The kids and I stood there stunned. Me? I wasn't surprised. That's the kind of treatment I always got from Charlie's parents. But I was always willing to turn the other cheek.
After all these years of putting up with all the crap they've put me through. After being willing to be there to help care for her in her end days. After offering to let her live with us and enjoy the benefits of a loving family. I get "Don't get your hopes up." I get the impression she's gonna be difficult and cantankerous throughout this entire process. I'm not so sure I wanna be a nice girl anymore.
Is that bad?
Yep, the family vacation is really over :::sigh::: I apologize for playing like the sloth and not blogging, but I've been in a sort of "Twilight Zone." Charlie's sister Jenny picked us up from the airport at 5:30 am on Thursday morning, just in time for a tired family to watch the sunrise. As we headed south from LAX to The OC, Jenny began to tell us all about the family (Charlie's side) excitement we've missed in the past week.
As you recall, Jenny, Charlie, and I share the responsibility of taking care of Charlie's elderly mother. He has two other sisters, but they live out of state and are unable to help in Mom's everyday care. Since I haven't worked outside the home since May 2003, I haven't minded helping out and I know that both Charlie and Jenny appreciate that I'm there to fill in the gaps. I've shared with you that Mom is an 80-year old two-time cancer survivor (lung, brain) and that last year she became a widow when Charlie's dad, after being diagnosed with a treatable heart ailment, selfishly decided not to hang around for treatment, and took his own life
Over the past year, she's done pretty well living alone. She can no longer drive, so we do all of her shopping, errands, and we take her to her church meetings and doctor visits. Whatever she needs, we take care of. Well, it appears that her days of living alone are at an end. While we were in Hawaii, Mom took ill again and Jenny and her husband had to take Mom to the hospital. She was in a great deal of pain and the doctors diagnosed her with Shingles (ouch!) Since it wasn't life threatening, Jenny didn't call us over in Hawaii because she didn't want to alarm us. But she says it's very evident that in a very short time, Mom's strength has diminished and everyone worries when she's alone. Therefore, Jenny and her husband suggested that we either think about putting her in a home, or hire a full-time, live-in caregiver. I cringe at the thought.
On Friday afternoon, I suggested to Charlie that we invite Mom to come and live with us. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked me if I understood the implications to our family unit. Living with an elderly person is not new to me. I lived with my adoptive grandparents from the time I was 12 until I was 17. I found it to be a wonderful time in my life. I learned so much and they had such interesting stories to tell. I feel it enriched my life. I'm thinking it will do the same for my kids, having Mom come and live with us. Charlie thanked me. There's nothing to thank me for. It's the right thing. We're a family.
On Friday night, Charlie made the suggestion to his Mom and asked her if she would like to come and live with us. She seemed happy and said she liked the idea. So now, we needed to decide whether we were going to add on to our existing home, or find a new house that would accomodate our needs. Charlie started drawing up plans to remodel our house. On Monday night, while we were over and Jenny's house talking about the "Mom Situation", his sister in Pittsburgh called. Mom had fallen down while she was talking on the phone with her. Instead of telling her to use her "I've fallen and I can't get up" Life Alert button which is what this is for, Charlie's sister called around to all the neighbors until she got someone to go over and help mom. Now, that's all well and good, but Robin (the Pittsburgh sister) could have called either Charlie or Jenny, which she didn't, or she could have told Mom to press her Life Alert button. That's why we got that for her. The need for us to move quickly became apparant. We didn't have time now to build on, we HAVE to find a house big enough for all of us and move. NOW.
Charlie put his drawings aside, and I started looking on the internet for real estate listings in our area. In all of Costa Mesa, a city of approximately 100,000 residents, there are only 4, count 'em, FOUR, listings for 5-bedroom houses on the market right now. I got my friend Abie, an agent, to get us into all of them on Monday. The kids went with me; I figured it couldn't hurt to get their opinions. After all, this effects them. Let's cut to the chase, shall we? The places were too small, square footage wise, AND they wanted me to put up my son as collateral. Either that, or cut off an arm and a leg...squeeze blood out of a turnip....and every other metaphor you can think of. The least expensive home was $729,000! Hello? Are you shitting me? For that kind of money, these better be pristine. But no. One, I would even consider a "fixer".
Finally, at the last house, I kept my fingers crossed and said a little prayer before we went inside. It was WAY more than we could afford on our own, but if we sold our house, and kept Mom's as a rental, or vice versa, we might be able to swing it. The house was perfect. Absolutely perfect. It even had a renovated bottom floor HUGE, master suite with a sunny sitting room. A little work and we could put in a mini kitchenette so mom could have her own little place if she just got sick of us. We thought we'd hit paydirt. I went over the next day and took Charlie AND a video camera so that we could show Mom what we'd found. The kids went with us and excitedly ran around the upstairs, each "claiming" a room as their own. It could work. I began to see a happy lining.
That night, Charlie took the video over to show Mom. She said she wanted to see it. Yesterday afternoon, he brought her over. There was now a "FOR RENT" sign in the yard. I had a little panic attack. The owner was getting desperate. The house had been on the market for 45 days and he needed to either sell or get someone in there to lease. The montly leasing amount you ask? $2,875.00. Good God. My mortgage right now is $900. We could NEVER afford to lease, but with the equity from Mom's house AND income from the rental of our house, we could afford a couple hundred more on a mortgage. It was doable. It would be really, really tight. But it was doable.
The kids and I all waited outside while Charlie walked his mother through the house, which is no easy task. After their walk-through, they came outside and on her way back to the car, she turned to look at me and she said..."Don't get your hopes up." That was it. I took that as a no. The kids and I stood there stunned. Me? I wasn't surprised. That's the kind of treatment I always got from Charlie's parents. But I was always willing to turn the other cheek.
After all these years of putting up with all the crap they've put me through. After being willing to be there to help care for her in her end days. After offering to let her live with us and enjoy the benefits of a loving family. I get "Don't get your hopes up." I get the impression she's gonna be difficult and cantankerous throughout this entire process. I'm not so sure I wanna be a nice girl anymore.
Is that bad?
posted by Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar | 11:32 AM
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