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Tuesday, January 22, 2019

How You Love

I haven't blogged lately because for some weird reason, my blog seems to have changed into some weird thing I don't know how to fix.  So I've just posted on FB.  But, this post needs some space, and I need to be able to use all my digits and not just the index finger on my right hand. So, however it comes out here is what it is.

I have been struggling with something very personal for quite a long time now. I keep it to me, and I share it with my best friend, my life partner, my protector, my kids' father, the one I know has my back no matter what. My children know and support me. I do believe, in small things they do and say, that this thing that has become very important to me, is also important to them. I like to think, that like their dad, they are proud of me as well.

Very recently, in the last week in fact, something quite significant happened that was probably a defining factor in changes that will transpire in my life's walk. I shared a bit, in a very surface-y kind of way. But today, I shared in graphic detail with Charlie. Only because he genuinely asked me about something I said. He cared. He cared about what I cared about. It had an impact on a conversation we had about a milestone in our lives...an anniversary dinner.

As we talked, and I shared, I had one of those moments of clarity that sometimes escapes those of us who have been in relationships that surpass the days of passion. Decades go by and you are well past the child-bearing, and child-rearing days that are mindless expectations of the children of the "Greatest Generation".  You've gone beyond those "Hot August Nights" in the backseat of some muscle car, thinking your parents are none the wiser, and you've survived nappies, and vomit, and teenage discipline. You know you've graduated from a nuclear "pod" to that "twoness" that started this whole crazy ride, and lo and behold...you still fucking adore each other. So, when something life-changing happens to one of you, it happens to BOTH of you. At least, it should.

I guess this is just my tribute to my husband. On the eve of this yearly thing that we celebrate during this week in January, I'm just a bit overwhelmed by his gift to me tonight. He just sat and listened to me talk about things that have been weighing on my heart. He didn't judge me, he didn't try to sway me in any way. He just listened, and in his listening, I fell into that deep, safe, love that I fell into on that Wednesday night in January 39 years ago. I remembered that feeling of complete comfort that an insecure 19 year old girl felt when this funny, self-effacing, sweet, kind 23 year old guy held her hand and walked along the beach with her all those years ago.

Changes and growth don't stop. Love shouldn't either. I have been the fortunate beneficiary of an affection that has stood the test of time. These are the things I need to remember on those days when complaining rolls off my lips just a little too easily.


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