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Thursday, November 08, 2018

Pity Party - Uninvited Guest

Last night, I was feeling extremely down. It wasn't an epic Pity Party, but it was pretty "festive". So much so that Charlie asked me a few times if I was doing ok.
As many know, it's been a pretty rough few months for our family, but the absolute disturbing truth is that I was really only thinking of myself. I hate admitting that, but that's the truth. I was feeling self-absorbed and pouty because for all the issues we've been having, a few months ago, Charlie and I had to cancel a vacation that we were pretty darned excited about, with friends that we were so excited to see again. Today is the day we were to depart, tonight we'd be reunited with friends meeting to honor another friend who passed. First time to Ft. Lauderdale to depart on a Caribbean cruise to parts of those beautiful islands that we had never been.
Yeah, it's been pretty hard seeing the posts of all the friends who are now traveling and on their way, and who for the next week will be having a wonderful time. They all deserve it of course. Two friends in particular who have been through and seen devastation in their own town of Panama City/Mexico Beach, Florida since the hurricane. I was pretty much able to check myself when I thought about that and of our lost dear friend who would not be there, and the reason everyone was gathering. But, as the time of departure was upon us, I turned into someone that even a Snickers bar couldn't bring back to reality, and I'm ashamed of that.
I was especially ashamed when I woke up this morning and Charlie told me what happened in Thousand Oaks last night. None of that mattered. I just began to silently send thanks into the universe that my husband wasn't hurt in last week's car accident, that my daughter walked away from her car accident this week. The myriad of financial and medical issues we've been dealing with that lead us to cancelling our trip are nothing. I'm not receiving a call that my son or daughter won't be coming home because a sad, sick man with a gun walked into the place they were and killed them. My husband isn't a security guard or a sheriff that was in the line of fire. My family is safe. All of my self-pity has suddenly disappeared and has been replaced with relief, and gratitude. Slowly, as the realization has settled in, and the magnitude of what we, as a nation will continue to face because our government has no spine, grief and sympathy have entered. Soon, the anger will set in.
My thoughts are no longer on myself and the privilege I allowed myself to feel so self-absorbed. I can think of my friends leaving for their vacations with love and joy and the sincere hope that they will have the time of their lives. I can be comforted in the thought that people I love are doing ok, whether there are minor scrapes and bruises, and some measures of aches and pains, they are ok. I'm not going to beat myself up for a visit to Pity Land, but I'm also going to remember to be grateful, and to fight like fucking hell to help change what's wrong with this country.


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